Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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‘Game Of Thrones’ Fan Rewatching Past Episodes To Remind Self Of What Characters’ Breasts Look Like

FREMONT, CA—In an effort to refresh his memory ahead of the upcoming season of the popular fantasy series, local Game Of Thrones fan Bryan Parker reportedly rewatched past episodes of the show this week to remind himself of what all the characters’ breasts look like. “I remember most of the characters’ breasts, but there are just so many of them, and a lot of the time there’s a bunch on the screen at once, so I felt I really needed to brush up on them just to be safe,” said Parker, who explained that even after regularly watching the show for five seasons, he still often becomes confused trying to keep track of all the various nipples. “Sometimes I have a hard time following along with the storyline and I mistake Daenerys Targaryen’s breasts for Margaery Tyrell’s, since they’re so similar-looking. Honestly, I had to watch the nude scenes set in Littlefinger’s brothel a few times to remember which breasts were which.” Parker added that he was still upset the show killed off his favorite pair of breasts in season four.

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