‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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‘Game Of Thrones’ Viewers Reeling After Finale Unexpectedly Kills Off Fan

PARAMUS, NJ—Saying they were still struggling to process what just happened, Game of Thrones viewers were reportedly reeling Sunday after the show’s season finale unexpectedly killed off a fan. “Holy shit, they decapitated some guy named Spencer Davenport from Dayton, Ohio,” said local woman Gaby Green of the brutally slain marketing specialist, whose bloody death in the final minute of the series’ gripping seventh season blindsided viewers across the country. “I should be ready for shocking deaths by now, but my jaw still fucking dropped when I saw that sword slice right through Spencer’s neck and his head crash to the floor of his studio apartment. I mean, Jesus. Well, at least it wasn’t Tyrion.” At press time, millions of viewers said they couldn’t wait for the eighth and final season of Game of Thrones to find out if they themselves lived through the series’ very last episode.

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