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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Gamecocks Fan Surprised To Hear That Team Represents a College

COLUMBIA, SC—Speaking with reporters, Columbia resident Mike Wegley, 34, expressed astonishment Saturday upon learning that his favorite football team, the Gamecocks, is in fact a group of amateurs representing the University of South Carolina. “Huh. Really? They’re like a college team?” said Wegley, who mentioned that he has attended numerous Gamecocks home games over the past several years without once suspecting that the team was affiliated with an academic institution. “I guess I always assumed they were a local semi-pro team, or maybe an NFL farm program or something. Honestly, it never crossed my mind that the Gamecocks might be in any way involved with higher learning.” Wegley said he was equally surprised to discover the Carolina Panthers are a professional franchise and not, as he had thought, a high school’s junior varsity squad.

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