adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Gap Forced To Recall Pants After Man Dies Eating 37 Pairs Of Corduroys

SAN FRANCISCO—After reports surfaced Thursday that a local Gap customer became ill after consuming 37 pairs of five-pocket straight-fit corduroy pants, the clothing chain recalled the wrinkle-resistant men’s trousers and issued a statement urging customers to refrain from eating any style of their pants. “Gap is taking the necessary steps in the matter: First, we are going to put a label on our corduroy pants reminding people that it’s unhealthy to eat clothing. Second, we would just like to say directly to our customers, right now, that our pants are designed to be worn, not eaten. And third, if you recently purchased multiple pairs of corduroy pants, you can send them back for a full refund if you purchased the garments with the intent of eating them,” said Gap Inc. spokesperson Dina Abrahms, adding that the company’s sweaters, sweatshirts, tees, and tanks were also not intended to be swallowed or digested, and that in the event that a customer did consume multiple articles of Gap clothing, he or she should go to the nearest hospital immediately. “Now, if you really must eat our garments, please do so in moderation. One or two items at the very most, and never 37 pairs of pants in one sitting.” The company clarified that customers could feel free to eat their long-sleeve thermals, though, adding, “They’re actually pretty good.”

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close