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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Gap Forced To Recall Pants After Man Dies Eating 37 Pairs Of Corduroys

SAN FRANCISCO—After reports surfaced Thursday that a local Gap customer became ill after consuming 37 pairs of five-pocket straight-fit corduroy pants, the clothing chain recalled the wrinkle-resistant men’s trousers and issued a statement urging customers to refrain from eating any style of their pants. “Gap is taking the necessary steps in the matter: First, we are going to put a label on our corduroy pants reminding people that it’s unhealthy to eat clothing. Second, we would just like to say directly to our customers, right now, that our pants are designed to be worn, not eaten. And third, if you recently purchased multiple pairs of corduroy pants, you can send them back for a full refund if you purchased the garments with the intent of eating them,” said Gap Inc. spokesperson Dina Abrahms, adding that the company’s sweaters, sweatshirts, tees, and tanks were also not intended to be swallowed or digested, and that in the event that a customer did consume multiple articles of Gap clothing, he or she should go to the nearest hospital immediately. “Now, if you really must eat our garments, please do so in moderation. One or two items at the very most, and never 37 pairs of pants in one sitting.” The company clarified that customers could feel free to eat their long-sleeve thermals, though, adding, “They’re actually pretty good.”

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