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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Garage Band Actually Believes There Is A 'Terre Haute Sound'

TERRE HAUTE, IN–The members of The Weebles, a local garage band formed in 1998, actually believe there is something called the "Terre Haute Sound," sources reported Monday.

The Weebles' Gaspart, Murn, and Thompson.

"It's great," said Weebles bassist Gary Gaspart, 22, speaking from the band's practice space in guitarist/vocalist Jonah Thompson's parents' garage. "The scene is so supportive. It's all about helping each other out, going to the other bands' shows. We're really building on the Terre Haute Sound in ways that are going to blow it up, and I mean wide."

The Terre Haute Sound is described by Gaspart as "a bit of NOFX, some revved-up psychobilly country a la Reverend Horton Heat or The Supersuckers, and some analog synthesizer thrown in just to keep it fresh." He emphasized that the definition is by no means binding, and that virtually anyone who chooses to become part of the Terre Haute Sound is welcome.

"We've got all sorts of bands in the THS," Gaspart said. "There's Cutie, who are sort of a psychedelicized version of Op Ivy with a hint of Cheap Trick-style power-pop thrown in. Then there's Spongebob Fuxx, which does grindcore ballads. And you can't forget The Vagina Splits, who are like Bratmobile but with more attitude. The Splits may be girls, but they rock harder than most of the guy bands around."

"Not that there's anything wrong with the guy bands here," Gaspart added. "It's all about scene unity."

Asked which local bands would not be considered part of the Terre Haute Sound, Thompson struggled to come up with one.

"Bottom line, we all just like to rock," Thompson said. "I think that's what sets Terre Haute apart from the Danvilles and West Lafayettes of the world. That and the fact that a lot of us have the same drummer."

According to Thompson, though the Terre Haute Sound is the product of many musical influences, one particular band casts the longest shadow.

"No question, the Terre Haute Sound wouldn't even exist without The Larry Byrds," Thompson said. "They were the first on the scene, and in my mind, they'll always be the best."

"Fuck, yeah," agreed Weebles, Spongebob Fuxx, and Introversion drummer Dave Murn, 23. "Back in '92, when I was in eighth grade, I saw The Larry Byrds play an all-ages show at the Elks Lodge, and they completely blew me away. Those guys paved the way for all the Terre Haute bands to come. Without them, there is no Weebles."

The Larry Byrds, a trio of Indiana State University students, broke up in September 1994 when lead singer Elliott Greene moved to Berkeley, CA, to attend graduate school. Copies of the band's sole release, the out-of-print 1993 split single "Tempest In A Teacup," backed by The Draincloggers' cover of Mr. Mister's "Kyrie," has fetched up to $2.99 in cutout bins of Terre Haute-area record stores.

In the years since, the recorded output of Terre Haute Sound bands has been limited to three releases. Two have been compilation CDs, 1997's Terror Haute and 1999's Return Of Terror Haute: A Tribute To The Larry Byrds. The third, a 2000 eponymous release by Cutie, was printed in a limited run of 3,200 copies. All three albums were issued by Terror Haute, the local label run by Gaspart.

"There's just so much talent in this town," Gaspart said. "A few weeks ago, The Weebles and a few other Terror Haute bands went down to Evansville to do a label-showcase gig. Tons of people were coming up to us after the show, saying how amazing all of us Terre Haute bands were. They were totally going off about how distinctive and cool our sound was. This one guy said that, anyway."

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