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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Garage Orchestra Hands Out Demo At Boston Philharmonic Show

BOSTON, MA—The 104 members of the upstart Melrose Philharmonic Orchestra of Melrose, MA stood outside Jordan Hall Sunday and passed out demo CDs to the crowd exiting a Boston Philharmonic performance of Prokofiev's Symphony No. 6 In E-Flat Minor. "Hey, you like orchestral?" said third cellist Paul Gleiberman as he thrust copies of the recording at visibly bemused concertgoers. "We've been meeting in my conductor friend's four-car garage every Tuesday, and we're getting pretty tight. There's some Mahler, a Mozart, our choir buds helped us out with the Morten Lauridsen—we go all over the place. You should check it out. It's good." The orchestra was told to move across the street by Sanders Hall management, who said that it was blocking several fire exits.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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