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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Garage Orchestra Hands Out Demo At Boston Philharmonic Show

BOSTON, MA—The 104 members of the upstart Melrose Philharmonic Orchestra of Melrose, MA stood outside Jordan Hall Sunday and passed out demo CDs to the crowd exiting a Boston Philharmonic performance of Prokofiev's Symphony No. 6 In E-Flat Minor. "Hey, you like orchestral?" said third cellist Paul Gleiberman as he thrust copies of the recording at visibly bemused concertgoers. "We've been meeting in my conductor friend's four-car garage every Tuesday, and we're getting pretty tight. There's some Mahler, a Mozart, our choir buds helped us out with the Morten Lauridsen—we go all over the place. You should check it out. It's good." The orchestra was told to move across the street by Sanders Hall management, who said that it was blocking several fire exits.

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