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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Garden State Some Poor Fuck's Favorite Movie

LOS ANGELES—Despite the existence of cinema classics such as Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and Seven Samurai, the 2004 film Garden State starring Zach Braff and Natalie Portman is some poor fuck's favorite movie, according to a posting on imdb.com.

"I thought the interplay between the main characters was beautiful, and the soundtrack was amazing," wrote the miserable bastard after another post called the film "self-indulgent" and "annoying." "It's this cynical society's snap reaction to dislike a movie about finding one's true self. I honestly cry every time he gets off that plane."

The sad sack of shit was swiftly put in his place by another IMDb user, who argued that the film was just a "knockoff" of superior predecessors, such as You've Got Mail.

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