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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Gary Bettman Issues Pardon For Steve Yzerman’s 1997 Slashing Penalty

NEW YORK—Acknowledging that the referee’s original ruling represented a grave miscarriage of justice, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman issued an official pardon Thursday to former Detroit Red Wings center Steve Yzerman for his 1997 slashing penalty against the Phoenix Coyotes. “Today’s decision to clear Mr. Yzerman of any wrongdoing in this incident is an important reminder that while our league’s penalty system is not perfect, it is never too late to correct our mistakes,” Bettman said during a press conference, adding that Yzerman’s exoneration was prompted by the discovery of new video evidence confirming that the 10-time All-Star never actually struck Coyotes left winger Keith Tkachuk’s stick in the second period of the January 9, 1997 regular-season game. “While Mr. Yzerman will never get back the two minutes he served in the penalty box, we can amend the record to reflect his innocence and restore his good name. It is my sincere hope that this will finally begin the healing process for him and his loved ones.” League sources confirmed, however, that Bettman plans to deny former Montreal Canadiens center Jean Beliveau a posthumous pardon for a controversial 1970 tripping incident despite a widespread petition started by the deceased Hall of Famer’s family.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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