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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Gary Kubiak Congratulates Houston Texans On Yet Another Houston Texans Season

HOUSTON—Following his team’s loss to the New England Patriots last weekend, Houston Texans coach Gary Kubiak reportedly gathered players and staff to congratulate them on engineering yet another Houston Texans season. “I know some of you are still disappointed, but no matter what, we can hold our heads high for putting together back-to-back Texans seasons,” said Kubiak, adding that after winning 11 of their first 13 games, the team’s ability to succumb to crucial injuries, totally lose momentum, and eventually bow out of the playoffs in the divisional round made it “one of the most Houston Texans seasons in franchise history.” “Things didn’t always go our way, and plenty of people doubted us, but we came together when it counted and finished with a classic Houston Texans run down the stretch. And I’m proud of each and every one of you for that.” According to team sources, Kubiak singled out quarterback Matt Schaub in particular for having the most Matt Schaub season of the nine-year veteran’s career.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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