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Gary Sheffield's Agent Warns Interested Teams Not To Tap Glass

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

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RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Gary Sheffield's Agent Warns Interested Teams Not To Tap Glass

NEW YORK—With his newly available client Gary Sheffield on 24-hour display in an eight-square-foot glass enclosure, agent/warden Rufus Williams advised all interested general managers to avoid tapping the glass, staring, using flash photography, or making any sudden movements while in the vicinity of the notoriously temperamental Yankee right-fielder. "Gary is in a very bad mood today—you can tell by the way he's gnawing at his straight jacket—so please, for the love of God, whatever you do, keep your voice down and don't give him a reason to attack," Williams said to a group of representatives from the Padres, Angels, and Giants. "Now, if you have any offers, you can submit them to me later at—wait, shh, he's stirring… I told you to be quiet… Oh no… Get out! Get out while you still ca—aaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!" Upon escaping, Sheffield was able to maul GMs from eight teams with a losing record and one that wanted to play him at first base before being eventually subdued and signed by Scott Boras.

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