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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Gary Sheffield's Agent Warns Interested Teams Not To Tap Glass

NEW YORK—With his newly available client Gary Sheffield on 24-hour display in an eight-square-foot glass enclosure, agent/warden Rufus Williams advised all interested general managers to avoid tapping the glass, staring, using flash photography, or making any sudden movements while in the vicinity of the notoriously temperamental Yankee right-fielder. "Gary is in a very bad mood today—you can tell by the way he's gnawing at his straight jacket—so please, for the love of God, whatever you do, keep your voice down and don't give him a reason to attack," Williams said to a group of representatives from the Padres, Angels, and Giants. "Now, if you have any offers, you can submit them to me later at—wait, shh, he's stirring… I told you to be quiet… Oh no… Get out! Get out while you still ca—aaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!" Upon escaping, Sheffield was able to maul GMs from eight teams with a losing record and one that wanted to play him at first base before being eventually subdued and signed by Scott Boras.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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