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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Gary Sheffield's Agent Warns Interested Teams Not To Tap Glass

NEW YORK—With his newly available client Gary Sheffield on 24-hour display in an eight-square-foot glass enclosure, agent/warden Rufus Williams advised all interested general managers to avoid tapping the glass, staring, using flash photography, or making any sudden movements while in the vicinity of the notoriously temperamental Yankee right-fielder. "Gary is in a very bad mood today—you can tell by the way he's gnawing at his straight jacket—so please, for the love of God, whatever you do, keep your voice down and don't give him a reason to attack," Williams said to a group of representatives from the Padres, Angels, and Giants. "Now, if you have any offers, you can submit them to me later at—wait, shh, he's stirring… I told you to be quiet… Oh no… Get out! Get out while you still ca—aaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!" Upon escaping, Sheffield was able to maul GMs from eight teams with a losing record and one that wanted to play him at first base before being eventually subdued and signed by Scott Boras.

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