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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Gas Station Clerk Glad To See Pump 2 Doing So Well Today

BOONEVILLE, MS—Surveying the eight gas pumps from his post behind the counter at the Walker Avenue Shell station, local clerk Marvin Peters told reporters he was especially pleased to see pump 2 performing so well among customers Thursday. “Pump 2 definitely gets short shrift because it’s not the easiest to pull into and doesn’t have a window wash station, so it’s always nice when 2 pulls in the numbers it really deserves,” said Peters, noting that he had been happy to see the trusty old fueling site “really take off” with several sedans and even a couple gas-guzzling vans a few hours into his morning shift. “You expect pump 4 or 8 to get this level of traffic, sure. And obviously nothing is ever going to measure up to pump 5—clearly 5 is the most popular pump, and that’s never going to change. But good ol’ 2? Well, it has a little something special. It’s nice to see an underdog get its due every once in a while.” After taking one more fond glimpse at the pump, Peters then reportedly shook his head and chuckled warmly to himself as he watched some naive young fellow hauling a boat attempt to snake his way into pump 6.

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