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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.
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Gas Station Clerk Glad To See Pump 2 Doing So Well Today

BOONEVILLE, MS—Surveying the eight gas pumps from his post behind the counter at the Walker Avenue Shell station, local clerk Marvin Peters told reporters he was especially pleased to see pump 2 performing so well among customers Thursday. “Pump 2 definitely gets short shrift because it’s not the easiest to pull into and doesn’t have a window wash station, so it’s always nice when 2 pulls in the numbers it really deserves,” said Peters, noting that he had been happy to see the trusty old fueling site “really take off” with several sedans and even a couple gas-guzzling vans a few hours into his morning shift. “You expect pump 4 or 8 to get this level of traffic, sure. And obviously nothing is ever going to measure up to pump 5—clearly 5 is the most popular pump, and that’s never going to change. But good ol’ 2? Well, it has a little something special. It’s nice to see an underdog get its due every once in a while.” After taking one more fond glimpse at the pump, Peters then reportedly shook his head and chuckled warmly to himself as he watched some naive young fellow hauling a boat attempt to snake his way into pump 6.

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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

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