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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Gasoline Still Inexplicably Cheaper Than Milk

AUSTIN, TX—The University of Texas released a report Monday stating that, for some inexplicable reason, gasoline, a steadily depleting, non-renewable fossil fuel buried far beneath the earth's surface, is still far less expensive than the milk of a cow. Milk, a plentiful substance which is not made of dinosaur remains and requires no multi-million-dollar machinery to draw it from deep within the earth's core, costs approximately $2.45 a gallon, compared to $1.30 for a gallon of gas. "This is puzzling," University of Texas agriculture-school professor Herbert Roth said. "It's almost as if someone is trying to get people to buy more gas."

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