Gasoline Still Inexplicably Cheaper Than Milk

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Gasoline Still Inexplicably Cheaper Than Milk

AUSTIN, TX—The University of Texas released a report Monday stating that, for some inexplicable reason, gasoline, a steadily depleting, non-renewable fossil fuel buried far beneath the earth's surface, is still far less expensive than the milk of a cow. Milk, a plentiful substance which is not made of dinosaur remains and requires no multi-million-dollar machinery to draw it from deep within the earth's core, costs approximately $2.45 a gallon, compared to $1.30 for a gallon of gas. "This is puzzling," University of Texas agriculture-school professor Herbert Roth said. "It's almost as if someone is trying to get people to buy more gas."