Gasoline Still Inexplicably Cheaper Than Milk

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Vol 33 Issue 20

Dreamworks SKG Signs J&H Productions To Six-Year Deal

CINCINNATI—Steven Spielberg of Dreamworks SKG confirmed the industry rumor Monday that Cincinnati-based J&H Productions International has been signed to a landmark six-year contract. Spielberg said that J&H president Mr. H "will be executive-producing all types of shows in the stadiums and the coliseums, from city to city, which will be filmed for nationwide release. I hope you will be going to see these movies that Dreamworks SKG will be signing under, as far as J&H Productions and the films that he will make, pertaining to the shows." Dreamworks and J&H will also be working closely with the label industry, as far as getting all the major stars together and putting them to work with the other stars in other agencies under the Cavalcade Of Stars. "Our shows will be the dynamic shows ever being gave," Spielberg said.

Tammys Of The World Demand To Be Taken Seriously

UNITED NATIONS—In a historic summit Tuesday, the world's 178,230 Tammys convened to demand that they be treated with the same respect afforded the world's approximately 5.1 billion non-Tammys. "Tammy discrimination has been ignored for too long, and it's high time we took action," said summit organizer Tammy Mugler, 24, an assistant manager at an Atlanta-area Orange Julius. "Do you realize that in the entire history of the U.S., no Tammy has ever been elected to federal office?" The world's Heidis expressed support for the summit.

Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?

DE KALB, IL—It was learned Monday that Ted Moseley, a 34-year-old De Kalb-area construction worker, hauls ass 10, 12 hours a day for his sonofabitch boss, and for what? The report, to be published in full in Thursday's New York Times, will tell you what: so his skank old lady can spend his hard-earned $6.75 an hour on a $450 vacuum cleaner, and to pay for the neighbor's mailbox that his snot-nosed kid busted. Why Moseley puts up with this shit could not be adequately explained by the report.

Microsoft Under Fire

Last week, the Justice Department and 20 states filed an antitrust suit against Microsoft, accusing the software giant of monopolistic business practices, such as its inclusion of Internet Explorer on Windows 98. What do you think?

Your Horoscope

Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you know that, in truth, it is a solar panel for a sex machine.

Buggy For Let!

For sale! A secondhand buggy in fine and sturdy condition. Previous owner elderly invalid plutocrat. Pony not included. Reasonable terms. Kindly direct any and all inquiries to the Zweibel Estate.
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Gasoline Still Inexplicably Cheaper Than Milk

AUSTIN, TX—The University of Texas released a report Monday stating that, for some inexplicable reason, gasoline, a steadily depleting, non-renewable fossil fuel buried far beneath the earth's surface, is still far less expensive than the milk of a cow. Milk, a plentiful substance which is not made of dinosaur remains and requires no multi-million-dollar machinery to draw it from deep within the earth's core, costs approximately $2.45 a gallon, compared to $1.30 for a gallon of gas. "This is puzzling," University of Texas agriculture-school professor Herbert Roth said. "It's almost as if someone is trying to get people to buy more gas."

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