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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Gated Community Interviews Dozens For Exclusive Drug Dealer Position

LOS ANGELES—After interviewing nearly 50 applicants, board members of Canyon Hills, a planned community in Southern California, are narrowing in on a candidate for the coveted position of resident drug dealer, sources said Tuesday. "It's been quite an involved vetting process, but we're close to finding someone who meets our very high standards," said film producer and high-grade cocaine connoisseur Michael Reiss, who has lived in the upmarket residential development for six years. "There are a lot of things to consider when choosing a narcotics supplier, such as whether this person will arrive promptly after being paged and keep his Escalade nicely washed and waxed. This is Canyon Hills, after all. We can't let just anyone in here." A board member who wished to remain anonymous said that the leading candidate is presently James Leach of Encino, CA, based largely on a glowing reference from a man known only as Skull.

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