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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Gated Community Interviews Dozens For Exclusive Drug Dealer Position

LOS ANGELES—After interviewing nearly 50 applicants, board members of Canyon Hills, a planned community in Southern California, are narrowing in on a candidate for the coveted position of resident drug dealer, sources said Tuesday. "It's been quite an involved vetting process, but we're close to finding someone who meets our very high standards," said film producer and high-grade cocaine connoisseur Michael Reiss, who has lived in the upmarket residential development for six years. "There are a lot of things to consider when choosing a narcotics supplier, such as whether this person will arrive promptly after being paged and keep his Escalade nicely washed and waxed. This is Canyon Hills, after all. We can't let just anyone in here." A board member who wished to remain anonymous said that the leading candidate is presently James Leach of Encino, CA, based largely on a glowing reference from a man known only as Skull.

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