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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Gated Community Interviews Dozens For Exclusive Drug Dealer Position

LOS ANGELES—After interviewing nearly 50 applicants, board members of Canyon Hills, a planned community in Southern California, are narrowing in on a candidate for the coveted position of resident drug dealer, sources said Tuesday. "It's been quite an involved vetting process, but we're close to finding someone who meets our very high standards," said film producer and high-grade cocaine connoisseur Michael Reiss, who has lived in the upmarket residential development for six years. "There are a lot of things to consider when choosing a narcotics supplier, such as whether this person will arrive promptly after being paged and keep his Escalade nicely washed and waxed. This is Canyon Hills, after all. We can't let just anyone in here." A board member who wished to remain anonymous said that the leading candidate is presently James Leach of Encino, CA, based largely on a glowing reference from a man known only as Skull.

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