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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Gated-Community Members Wish There Was Something They Could Do

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Residents of Maplewood Estates, a gated residential neighborhood in the upscale Highland Park suburb of Chicago, announced Tuesday that they wish there was something they could do. "If you look around the world today, there are so many poor people and other terrible things," said resident and bridge enthusiast Marjorie Evans. "It’s very sad." Judith Donnelly, editor of Maplewood Estate’s monthly newsletter Maple Leaves, said she is similarly upset by all the problems to be found outside her police-guarded gates. "It’s such a shame," Donnelly said. "But what can you do?"

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