Gatorade Pledges $240 Million In Thirst Aid To Underquenched Nations

In This Section

Vol 36 Issue 30

Man Who Actually Needs Grey Poupon Unable To Bring Self To Ask

ABERDEEN, MD–Sophie's Sandwich Shop patron Louis Worth, a longtime user of Grey Poupon dijon mustard, could not bring himself to ask for the product Monday when he actually needed it. "There's usually a bottle on one of the tables, but this time there wasn't," Worth said. "I actually said 'Pardon me' to the guy behind the counter, but then stopped in my tracks. I realized that if I actually asked, the guy would probably act all funny and say, 'But, of course,' in a rich-guy voice. So I just ate my turkey sandwich without it."

Radio Shack Salesman 'A Little Out Of It Today'

NAPLES, FL–Radio Shack employee Denny Hasselbeck confessed Monday that he is "a little out of it today." "Sorry, man, I was up pretty late last night," the 22-year-old Hasselbeck told a customer who asked three times if the store had any 10-foot coaxial cable in stock. "My buddy Josh from Boulder was in town and, well, you know." In the past year, Hasselbeck has been out of it to varying degrees while working at Camelot Music, Earl Scheib Paint & Body, and Panda Express.

Private Eye's Office Ransacked For Fourth Time This Month

NEW ORLEANS–Private investigator Max McShane encountered a familiar sight Monday, entering his Bourbon Street office to find his file cabinets overturned, his spare necktie slung across a blade of a still-rotating ceiling fan, and his black, rotary-dial phone buzzing off the hook. "I just cleaned up this place from the last ransacking," McShane said. "Someone obviously wants me off the King murder case. Unless last Friday's ransacking was to scare me off the King case. Then this is probably about the Adams diamond theft."

Area Man's Hairstyle History Eerily Mirrors Kevin Bacon's

DAYTON, OH–For more than 15 years, Eric Rouse's hairstyles have eerily mirrored those of actor Kevin Bacon, friends of the 29-year-old reported Monday. "Remember around the time of Footloose, how Kevin Bacon's hair was all spiky? So was Eric's," friend Jeff Zell said. "Then, right about when Tremors came out, they both had it long and parted down the middle. Now they both sort of have it slicked back." Zell said he doesn't think Rouse, who is not a Bacon fan, is doing it on purpose, but noted that it's "just kinda weird."

They Might Be Giants Behind The Music Episode Lacks Sex, Drugs

NEW YORK–The new They Might Be Giants episode of VH1's Behind The Music is devoid of sex and drugs, sources reported Monday. "Man, we haven't had that much trouble finding something juicy since the 'Weird Al' episode," VH1 senior vice-president Bill Flanagan said. "We can almost always hit paydirt with a band's groupies, but in They Might Be Giants' case, they're all 31-year-old computer programmers." The They Might Be Giants episode largely focused on keyboardist/accordionist John Linnell's harrowing early-'90s addiction to Tetris.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Customer Service

Gatorade Pledges $240 Million In Thirst Aid To Underquenched Nations

UNITED NATIONS–In the largest humanitarian electrolyte-replenishment effort in decades, Gatorade will donate $240 million in thirst aid to citizens of 27 U.N.-designated underquenched Third World nations, spokespersons for the company announced Monday.

Celebrity humanitarian envoy Susan Sarandon pumps Gatorade for villagers in Sikasso, Mali.

"Gatorade is thirst aid," Gatorade president Tony Highsmith said, "for our global community's deep-down body thirst."

According to Highsmith, the thirst-aid package gives the people of such drought-ravaged nations as Bangladesh, Kenya, and the Sudan "a fighting chance," enabling them to give everything they've got–both on the field and off.

"Toiling in a sweatshop, stooping in rice paddies, or marching at gunpoint for days on end can really make you work up a sweat," Highsmith said. "Gatorade is scientifically formulated to replenish the fluids and minerals active peasants need."

The massive rehydrative effort is hoped to quench as many as 59 million in "hot, tired populations" by early 2001.

"Gatorade has taken the important 'thirst' step toward creating a world in which each person's basic human right to energy-boosting carbs are met," a headband-wearing President Clinton told reporters following several hours of tennis at the White House. "What's more, underquenched nations can now look forward to two delicious new flavors, Fierce Grape and Fierce Berry."

Added Clinton: "Gatorade: Is it in you?"

The move by Gatorade comes at a crucial time for Third World nations.

"Many of my countrymen are unable to maintain their peak output because of the mineral loss–mineral loss that keeps them from being their best," said Tanzanian war refugee Mwene Tshikanga. "We desperately need electrolytes for our sick and injured. And we know we cannot get them from ordinary soft drinks or juices."

Jacksonville Jaguars players celebrate Sudanese peasant Dese Marawi's victory over thirst.

"The world's malnourished, undereducated, underdeveloped nations face a crisis similar to the one faced by Georgia Tech during its legendary 1967 Orange Bowl game against the Florida Gators. Georgia Tech played well at first, but its players lost their edge as the game went on, with slowed reflexes and poor concentration causing them to give up big plays," Highsmith said. "Tech wasn't drinking Gatorade, and the Gators, of course, took control of the game in the second half. Why? Because they were replenishing their fluids and minerals with a special formula that has gone on to help the underquenched to this very day."

"What Gatorade did for the Florida Gators, it can do for the Eritrean lentil farmers," Highsmith added.

In addition to billions of gallons of Gatorade, nations earmarked for thirst-aid relief will receive Gatorade-logoed mesh workout T-shirts, caps, and visors. They will also be sent educational materials to teach citizens how to maximize the effectiveness of Gatorade-brand products.

"Subsistence-level peasant populations need to drink at least 16 ounces of fluid prior to, 8 ounces during, and 24 ounces immediately after engaging in heavy menial labor," a multilingual wall chart included in the thirst-aid package read in part. "Why? Because the more you slave away for your cruel overlords, the more vital minerals and fluids your body loses. These have to be replaced quickly, with a rehydrating agent that contains glucose and sodium, so you can keep your edge–and keep from being beaten."

Leaders of underquenched nations expressed gratitude for the historic humanitarian effort.

"My Gatorade brothers," Burkina Faso prime minister Kadre Desire Ouedraogo said, "words cannot express how much this means to our country. Truly, we will never again fall victim to the myth that water is as effective as Gatorade in rejuvenating tired muscles fast. Thanks to you, we have begun the long road to quenching."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More