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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Gatorade Releases New Performance Suppository

CHICAGO—Gatorade officials unveiled Tuesday the newest product in its G Series line of drinks and supplements, G Push, a performance-enhancing suppository engineered in the company’s sports laboratory to hydrate and energize athletes for a full digestive cycle. “G Push has the electrolytes of four 20-ounce Gatorades in one, easily inserted gelatin capsule,” Gatorade’s director of marketing Alfie Brody told reporters, debuting the first trio of suppository flavors: Arctic Chill, Watermelon Thrust, and Lemon-Lime. “At Gatorade, we’re continually trying to innovate new ways to improve athletic performance, and we think G Push is about to revolutionize the way we amp ourselves up for competition.” The product’s new commercial reportedly features a smiling LeBron James holding a G Push suppository in his palm before the screen suddenly goes dark and text appears reading, “G Push: Is it in you?”

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