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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Gaunt, Weathered John Kerry Leads Prisoner Uprising In Siberian Labor Camp

NERCHINSK, RUSSIA—Quickly unlocking one cell door after another as he shuffled down the dimly lit hallway in his tattered prison-issued jumpsuit, a gaunt, weathered Secretary of State John Kerry led an inmate uprising Tuesday in a remote Siberian labor camp, sources confirmed. “Comrades, the time has come to fight back,” Kerry reportedly said in fluent Russian through coughing fits as the political prisoners he had lived among for the past several years began to execute the escape plan they devised over countless clandestine meetings in the mess hall. “Quickly, grab what you need from the armory and make your way to the guard stations. We take back our freedom tonight!” Sources confirmed that moments after cutting through the prison’s barbed-wire perimeter fencing, Kerry embraced his longtime Kazakh cellmate and gifted him his old tin pocket watch before they sprinted off in separate directions into the snowy Siberian wilderness.

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