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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Gay Alabama Couple Always Dreamed Of Getting Married Surrounded By Hostility

MOBILE, AL—Saying the memories they made today would last the rest of their lives, gay couple Jeremy Newell and Aaron Mitchum of Mobile, AL confirmed Monday that they had always dreamed of getting married surrounded by hostility. “Everyone has big expectations about their wedding day, but never in a million years could I have imagined the tremendous outpouring of anger and contempt that we received from everyone who turned out,” said Newell, adding that as the newly married same-sex couple exited the courthouse they were overwhelmed with emotion upon seeing so many familiar, spiteful faces. “It was just unbelievable that our commitment to each other brought so many people together to share their hate with us. I even got a little teary-eyed when I looked out at the crowd shouting homophobic slurs and expressing their wishes for us to burn in hell. I’ll never forget that.” At press time, the happy couple were driving away from the courthouse in their decorated wedding car at top speed.

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