adBlockCheck

Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
End Of Section
  • More News

Gay Alabama Couple Always Dreamed Of Getting Married Surrounded By Hostility

MOBILE, AL—Saying the memories they made today would last the rest of their lives, gay couple Jeremy Newell and Aaron Mitchum of Mobile, AL confirmed Monday that they had always dreamed of getting married surrounded by hostility. “Everyone has big expectations about their wedding day, but never in a million years could I have imagined the tremendous outpouring of anger and contempt that we received from everyone who turned out,” said Newell, adding that as the newly married same-sex couple exited the courthouse they were overwhelmed with emotion upon seeing so many familiar, spiteful faces. “It was just unbelievable that our commitment to each other brought so many people together to share their hate with us. I even got a little teary-eyed when I looked out at the crowd shouting homophobic slurs and expressing their wishes for us to burn in hell. I’ll never forget that.” At press time, the happy couple were driving away from the courthouse in their decorated wedding car at top speed.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close