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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Gay Conversion Therapists Claim Most Patients Fully Straight By The Time They Commit Suicide

MINFORD, OH—Boasting that they have cured hundreds of teens and young adults over the years, gay conversion therapists from the Redeeming Path Treatment Center told reporters Thursday that most of their patients are completely straight by the time they commit suicide. “We’ve found that a combination of group interventions, narrative therapy, and cognitive-behavioral approaches fully eliminates homosexual urges before the individual takes his or her own life,” said program director Christian Weber, adding that many of their biggest success stories are even in stable, heterosexual relationships when they’re found lifeless in their own home or dredged from a nearby body of water. “Of course, some of our patients do relapse back into the gay lifestyle, but even then our committed therapists are typically able to guide them back toward healthy, straight behavior before they end it all in their childhood bedroom or dorm. By the time they’ve swallowed an entire bottle of prescription painkillers, they’ve typically completed a remarkable transformation.” Weber, who said that he stands behind his practice not just as a doctor, but also as a parent, confirmed that his own son displayed no homosexual tendencies in the hours preceding the discovery of his body.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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