Gay Man Really Respects Dolly Parton For All She's Been Through

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Spring

Small Business

Gay Man Really Respects Dolly Parton For All She's Been Through

KANSAS CITY, MO–Rich Fontenot, a Kansas City-area homosexual and longtime Dolly Parton fan, announced Monday that he "totally respects" Parton for all she's been through.

The Parton-loving Fontenot.

"Dolly's been to hell and back, and she's come out smiling," said Fontenot, holding up a glossy 8x10 photo purchased at Silver Screen Memories, a Kansas City movie-memorabilia store. "That woman is a true survivor."

The country-music legend, Fontenot said, grew up with 10 siblings in a tiny shack in Sevierville, TN, her family barely having enough to eat.

"Now Dolly has, like, a zillion dollars, and everyone in the world knows who she is," Fontenot said. "She owns that whole Dollywood thing up in Pigeon Forge. But she started with absolutely nothing. Nobody gave her a thing when she was first coming up."

"You've got to have some pretty tough skin to make it in this world," Fontenot added. "Well, Dolly said, 'I'm not gonna let anybody knock me down,' and she didn't. Talk about courage."

In addition to her wildly successful singing career, Parton has made a name for herself in acting, an achievement Fontenot attributes to her "take-no-crap" attitude.

"Instead of being all worried about fitting into some Hollywood-prescribed mold of what a star is supposed to be, she just said, 'I'm me, and if you don't like it, you can stick it where the sun don't shine!' And you know what? It worked! In 9 To 5 and Steel Magnolias, she was simply fabulous."

A major part of Parton's appeal, Fontenot said, is her willingness to take risks with her image.

"Every time you see Dolly, she's totally working it with the spangles and the sequins and the full-on hair up to here," said Fontenot, motioning nearly a foot above his head. "It's as if she's saying, 'I don't care what you think–I'm doing this for me.' It just makes you want to shout, 'You go, girl!' You have to respect someone who's not afraid to be herself like that."

Though he generally prefers dance music, Fontenot admitted that he has a "major soft spot for the country divas."

"Besides Dolly, there's Wynonna and Reba and, of course, Patsy," Fontenot said. "That woman was the queen, absolutely the queen. But Dolly can belt them out just like Patsy could. And whom do we owe for writing Whitney Houston's 'I Will Always Love You'? That's right, Dolly Parton. I love Whitney's version, but nobody can do that one like Dolly. She owns that song."

Most of Fontenot's friends agreed with his assessment of Parton.

"Me, Todd, and Marco were hanging out at Rods one night, and a Dolly Parton Christmas special came on TV," said close Fontenot friend Andrew Lord. "We all sat there completely mesmerized. I swear, that woman's got as much stage presence as Cher. Maybe more."

Despite Parton's glamorous image, Fontenot noted that she is remarkably down-to-earth. This, he said, is central to her appeal.

"For all her fame and fortune, Dolly's never lost touch with her roots," Fontenot said. "At heart, she's still that same old country girl from Sevierville. I even heard that her husband is just a regular guy, a construction worker. You know, rough hands and big muscles and the whole bit. Who wouldn't want to be Dolly?"

Next Story