adBlockCheck

Gay Man Really Respects Dolly Parton For All She's Been Through

Top Headlines

Local

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Gay Man Really Respects Dolly Parton For All She's Been Through

KANSAS CITY, MO–Rich Fontenot, a Kansas City-area homosexual and longtime Dolly Parton fan, announced Monday that he "totally respects" Parton for all she's been through.

The Parton-loving Fontenot.

"Dolly's been to hell and back, and she's come out smiling," said Fontenot, holding up a glossy 8x10 photo purchased at Silver Screen Memories, a Kansas City movie-memorabilia store. "That woman is a true survivor."

The country-music legend, Fontenot said, grew up with 10 siblings in a tiny shack in Sevierville, TN, her family barely having enough to eat.

"Now Dolly has, like, a zillion dollars, and everyone in the world knows who she is," Fontenot said. "She owns that whole Dollywood thing up in Pigeon Forge. But she started with absolutely nothing. Nobody gave her a thing when she was first coming up."

"You've got to have some pretty tough skin to make it in this world," Fontenot added. "Well, Dolly said, 'I'm not gonna let anybody knock me down,' and she didn't. Talk about courage."

In addition to her wildly successful singing career, Parton has made a name for herself in acting, an achievement Fontenot attributes to her "take-no-crap" attitude.

"Instead of being all worried about fitting into some Hollywood-prescribed mold of what a star is supposed to be, she just said, 'I'm me, and if you don't like it, you can stick it where the sun don't shine!' And you know what? It worked! In 9 To 5 and Steel Magnolias, she was simply fabulous."

A major part of Parton's appeal, Fontenot said, is her willingness to take risks with her image.

"Every time you see Dolly, she's totally working it with the spangles and the sequins and the full-on hair up to here," said Fontenot, motioning nearly a foot above his head. "It's as if she's saying, 'I don't care what you think–I'm doing this for me.' It just makes you want to shout, 'You go, girl!' You have to respect someone who's not afraid to be herself like that."

Though he generally prefers dance music, Fontenot admitted that he has a "major soft spot for the country divas."

"Besides Dolly, there's Wynonna and Reba and, of course, Patsy," Fontenot said. "That woman was the queen, absolutely the queen. But Dolly can belt them out just like Patsy could. And whom do we owe for writing Whitney Houston's 'I Will Always Love You'? That's right, Dolly Parton. I love Whitney's version, but nobody can do that one like Dolly. She owns that song."

Most of Fontenot's friends agreed with his assessment of Parton.

"Me, Todd, and Marco were hanging out at Rods one night, and a Dolly Parton Christmas special came on TV," said close Fontenot friend Andrew Lord. "We all sat there completely mesmerized. I swear, that woman's got as much stage presence as Cher. Maybe more."

Despite Parton's glamorous image, Fontenot noted that she is remarkably down-to-earth. This, he said, is central to her appeal.

"For all her fame and fortune, Dolly's never lost touch with her roots," Fontenot said. "At heart, she's still that same old country girl from Sevierville. I even heard that her husband is just a regular guy, a construction worker. You know, rough hands and big muscles and the whole bit. Who wouldn't want to be Dolly?"

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close