Gay Man, Unattractive Woman Form Tight Bond

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
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Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Gay Man, Unattractive Woman Form Tight Bond

GULFPORT, MS—Heavy-set, frumpily dressed Debbie Ayler and openly gay Curtis Gwinn are the best of friends, the pair reported Monday.

"Curtis is so fun," said Ayler, 25, talking about her boyfriend-substitute as the two sat at a coffee shop. "We met each other and instantly clicked. Now, we do everything together: shopping, movies, coffee. I even took him to my parents' house for Christmas last year."

Gwinn and Ayler in a July 2001 photo.

Continued Ayler: "I told Mom and Dad, 'Don't get any ideas—Curtis and I are just friends,' but I don't think they believed me. Well, I guess if it makes them happy, let them think what they want."

Gwinn also speaks highly of Ayler.

"It's so great to have someone to lean on, someone you know will always be there for you," said Gwinn, 27. "I can call her any time, even in the middle of the night, and she's there to listen."

Ayler met Gwinn in January 2001, when the two were assigned as temps at the same law firm. Ayler soon began spending less time with her old group of friends, even occasionally skipping their weekly "girls' night out" at a local Chi-Chi's.

"I like my friends, but when I met Curtis, suddenly it was, like, I can relate to this person on a much deeper level, you know?" Ayler said. "We just connected. Plus, I can tell him anything. He is absolutely unshockable."

Gwinn instantly took to Ayler, as well.

"Debbie is just so crazy," Gwinn said. "I love that girl to pieces. The moment we met, I said, 'Uh oh, we are going to be one dangerous team.'"

In spite of Ayler's difficulties finding dates and her insecurity over her looks, Gwinn said she "has got it going on."

"Debbie is bootylicious," Gwinn said. "Just look at her. She should be Miss America. Some women are skinny as a stick, but Debbie has got curves. Look out!"

Neither Gwinn nor Ayler has had much luck in the romantic department of late—a situation over which the pair has bonded.

"I've mostly given up," said Ayler, who has never had a real boyfriend but regularly shares with Gwinn the crushes she has on coworkers. "As for Curtis, he just can't seem to find the right person. Most men are such assholes. We both agree on that."

"I admit, I had a little crush on Curtis when we first met," Ayler continued. "But then I found out he was gay. You know what they say about all good men: They're either gay or married."

Though Gwinn is often chastised for his sexual orientation, his homosexuality posed no problems for Ayler.

"People can be so closed-minded about homosexuality, especially here in the South," Ayler said. "But I am totally fine with it. In fact, I read somewhere that 90 percent of people are bisexual. I wonder if Curtis is actually bisexual. Maybe that's why he hasn't found anyone yet."

While "out" to his friends and family, Gwinn said that many people mistakenly assume he and Ayler are dating.

"It's so funny," Gwinn said. "We were at a diner last week, and this old woman says to Debbie, 'Your husband forgot his coat.' So Debbie says, 'We're not married,' and the woman lowers her voice to a whisper and says, 'My daughter is living with someone, too.' It was sooo funny!"

"They're always giving each other these little looks that only they understand," said Karen Bilblach, a longtime friend of Ayler's. "At first, I thought something was going on between them, like secret sex, but Debbie assured me there's nothing like that. It's like they're playing house or something."

Despite the platonic nature of their relationship, Ayler and Gwinn are physically demonstrative toward one another, with Ayler often stroking Gwinn's hair or leaning her head on him as they watch movies. Gwinn said he is perfectly comfortable undressing in front of Ayler and often does "fashion shows" for her in his living room, trying on newly purchased outfits to solicit her opinion.

Ayler said that having a gay best friend has "opened [her] eyes to a whole new world." Once oblivious to gay culture, she now spends much of her time discussing skin care or the latest hit Broadway musical with Gwinn. She has even begun frequenting gay bars with him.

"There's this place in the neighborhood called The Crowbar that we've been going to lately," Ayler said. "We have the best time there, dancing and checking out all the guys. Sometimes, we'll just sit at a table with a pitcher of beer and rate all the guys' buns as they walk past. It's so hilarious!"

"The nicest part, though, is that they totally accept me there," Ayler added. "You'd think they'd have a problem with it, me being a 'breeder' and all. But they totally don't. It's ironic, but I actually feel more accepted when I'm with Curtis at a place like that than when I'm with straight people."

According to psychiatrist Dr. Angela Paschal, Gwinn and Ayler's relationship makes perfect sense.

"For Debbie, Curtis is an ideal partner," Paschal said. "He provides friendship, emotional support, and a certain sense of exoticism via his homosexuality. And since she is long-accustomed to not having sex, she barely even misses that component in her quasi-romance. As for Curtis, he receives from Debbie social respectability, unconditional acceptance, and a major ego boost via her obvious but unspoken crush on him. Best of all, he doesn't have to feel the tiniest bit guilty or uncomfortable about her attraction to him because the relationship can never be consummated, thanks to his homosexuality. Curtis and Debbie enjoy a symbiotic relationship of the highest, most dysfunctional order."