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Gay Man, Unattractive Woman Form Tight Bond

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school student’s top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pince’s college research over the past five months.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician.

You To Still Die One Day

Did You Forget About That For A Minute?

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite the possibility you may have briefly been able to distract yourself from the incontrovertible fact by browsing the internet, hanging out with friends, reading, working out, or via some other diversion, sources confirmed Friday that you are still going to die one day and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.
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Gay Man, Unattractive Woman Form Tight Bond

GULFPORT, MS—Heavy-set, frumpily dressed Debbie Ayler and openly gay Curtis Gwinn are the best of friends, the pair reported Monday.

"Curtis is so fun," said Ayler, 25, talking about her boyfriend-substitute as the two sat at a coffee shop. "We met each other and instantly clicked. Now, we do everything together: shopping, movies, coffee. I even took him to my parents' house for Christmas last year."

Gwinn and Ayler in a July 2001 photo.

Continued Ayler: "I told Mom and Dad, 'Don't get any ideas—Curtis and I are just friends,' but I don't think they believed me. Well, I guess if it makes them happy, let them think what they want."

Gwinn also speaks highly of Ayler.

"It's so great to have someone to lean on, someone you know will always be there for you," said Gwinn, 27. "I can call her any time, even in the middle of the night, and she's there to listen."

Ayler met Gwinn in January 2001, when the two were assigned as temps at the same law firm. Ayler soon began spending less time with her old group of friends, even occasionally skipping their weekly "girls' night out" at a local Chi-Chi's.

"I like my friends, but when I met Curtis, suddenly it was, like, I can relate to this person on a much deeper level, you know?" Ayler said. "We just connected. Plus, I can tell him anything. He is absolutely unshockable."

Gwinn instantly took to Ayler, as well.

"Debbie is just so crazy," Gwinn said. "I love that girl to pieces. The moment we met, I said, 'Uh oh, we are going to be one dangerous team.'"

In spite of Ayler's difficulties finding dates and her insecurity over her looks, Gwinn said she "has got it going on."

"Debbie is bootylicious," Gwinn said. "Just look at her. She should be Miss America. Some women are skinny as a stick, but Debbie has got curves. Look out!"

Neither Gwinn nor Ayler has had much luck in the romantic department of late—a situation over which the pair has bonded.

"I've mostly given up," said Ayler, who has never had a real boyfriend but regularly shares with Gwinn the crushes she has on coworkers. "As for Curtis, he just can't seem to find the right person. Most men are such assholes. We both agree on that."

"I admit, I had a little crush on Curtis when we first met," Ayler continued. "But then I found out he was gay. You know what they say about all good men: They're either gay or married."

Though Gwinn is often chastised for his sexual orientation, his homosexuality posed no problems for Ayler.

"People can be so closed-minded about homosexuality, especially here in the South," Ayler said. "But I am totally fine with it. In fact, I read somewhere that 90 percent of people are bisexual. I wonder if Curtis is actually bisexual. Maybe that's why he hasn't found anyone yet."

While "out" to his friends and family, Gwinn said that many people mistakenly assume he and Ayler are dating.

"It's so funny," Gwinn said. "We were at a diner last week, and this old woman says to Debbie, 'Your husband forgot his coat.' So Debbie says, 'We're not married,' and the woman lowers her voice to a whisper and says, 'My daughter is living with someone, too.' It was sooo funny!"

"They're always giving each other these little looks that only they understand," said Karen Bilblach, a longtime friend of Ayler's. "At first, I thought something was going on between them, like secret sex, but Debbie assured me there's nothing like that. It's like they're playing house or something."

Despite the platonic nature of their relationship, Ayler and Gwinn are physically demonstrative toward one another, with Ayler often stroking Gwinn's hair or leaning her head on him as they watch movies. Gwinn said he is perfectly comfortable undressing in front of Ayler and often does "fashion shows" for her in his living room, trying on newly purchased outfits to solicit her opinion.

Ayler said that having a gay best friend has "opened [her] eyes to a whole new world." Once oblivious to gay culture, she now spends much of her time discussing skin care or the latest hit Broadway musical with Gwinn. She has even begun frequenting gay bars with him.

"There's this place in the neighborhood called The Crowbar that we've been going to lately," Ayler said. "We have the best time there, dancing and checking out all the guys. Sometimes, we'll just sit at a table with a pitcher of beer and rate all the guys' buns as they walk past. It's so hilarious!"

"The nicest part, though, is that they totally accept me there," Ayler added. "You'd think they'd have a problem with it, me being a 'breeder' and all. But they totally don't. It's ironic, but I actually feel more accepted when I'm with Curtis at a place like that than when I'm with straight people."

According to psychiatrist Dr. Angela Paschal, Gwinn and Ayler's relationship makes perfect sense.

"For Debbie, Curtis is an ideal partner," Paschal said. "He provides friendship, emotional support, and a certain sense of exoticism via his homosexuality. And since she is long-accustomed to not having sex, she barely even misses that component in her quasi-romance. As for Curtis, he receives from Debbie social respectability, unconditional acceptance, and a major ego boost via her obvious but unspoken crush on him. Best of all, he doesn't have to feel the tiniest bit guilty or uncomfortable about her attraction to him because the relationship can never be consummated, thanks to his homosexuality. Curtis and Debbie enjoy a symbiotic relationship of the highest, most dysfunctional order."

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