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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Gay NFL Players Must Be Unknown Special Teams Guys, Says Homophobic Man

RALEIGH, NC—Local homophobic man Trent Wesley, 43, announced Friday that any gay players currently on NFL rosters must be completely unknown special teams guys for smaller market teams. “There’s no way it could be a pass-rushing linebacker, high-profile quarterback, or Pro Bowler, for that matter,” said the homophobe, explaining that gay players would lack the strength, speed, and toughness to be NFL starters. “I bet it’s probably a defensive back or long snapper who only gets on the field for punts, or some guy who just blocks on kickoffs. It definitely can’t be a player I’ve heard of. Probably someone on the Jaguars.” When asked to comment, several NFL players reportedly agreed that homophobic opinions on gay athletes like those expressed by Wesley must come from sad, hateful, middle-aged men who fail to realize that their opinion doesn’t mean shit.

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