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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Gay NFL Players Must Be Unknown Special Teams Guys, Says Homophobic Man

RALEIGH, NC—Local homophobic man Trent Wesley, 43, announced Friday that any gay players currently on NFL rosters must be completely unknown special teams guys for smaller market teams. “There’s no way it could be a pass-rushing linebacker, high-profile quarterback, or Pro Bowler, for that matter,” said the homophobe, explaining that gay players would lack the strength, speed, and toughness to be NFL starters. “I bet it’s probably a defensive back or long snapper who only gets on the field for punts, or some guy who just blocks on kickoffs. It definitely can’t be a player I’ve heard of. Probably someone on the Jaguars.” When asked to comment, several NFL players reportedly agreed that homophobic opinions on gay athletes like those expressed by Wesley must come from sad, hateful, middle-aged men who fail to realize that their opinion doesn’t mean shit.

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