Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord

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Vol 35 Issue 05

Christopher Cross Finally Reaches Mexican Border

NOGALES, MEXICO—After nearly 20 years on the run, Grammy-winning singer-songwriter Christopher Cross finally reached the Mexican border Monday. "I had such a long way to go,"said Cross, who fled south after gunning down 10 in 1980, "but I've finally made it to the border of Mexico." Doctors, who described Cross' body as "weak," said much sleep would be necessary to restore the health of the fugitive adult-contemporary vocalist.

Area Man Has No Idea What He Went Downstairs For

METUCHEN, NJ—Thirty seconds after descending the stairs, Ken Bley, 41, announced he had no clue what he went downstairs for. "I don't think it was to get something," Bley said. "I think it might have been to check on something." Bley said that if he cannot recall his purpose in the next minute, he will return to the bedroom and try to reconstruct the train of thought that led to the mysterious task. "I'm thinking it had something to do with the kitchen," Bley said. "I have this picture of the pantry junk-drawer in my mind."

2-D Doritos Sales Lagging

DALLAS—In the wake of the launch of "Doritos 3-Ds," Frito-Lay is experiencing a sharp decrease in sales of its original two-dimensional Doritos. "The public has gone wild for our revolutionary three-dimensional chips, which, in addition to the usual length and width, also possess depth," Frito-Lay spokesman Isaac Toomer said. "So wild, in fact, they have lost interest in traditional monoplanar snack chips." Toomer said Frito-Lay is now developing a highly theoretical "Funyuns 4-D." "One day, people everywhere will enjoy crispy, extratemporal Funyuns that intersect with an infinite number of parallel universes," Toomer said. "It will be a whole new world of non-Euclidean snacking."

Magic-Markered Initials Fail To Deter Breakroom Rice-Cake Thief

FRESNO, CA—Despite clearly marking her initials on her rice-cake bag in black Magic Marker, secretary Elaine Fahey was once again the victim of I&G Marketing's breakroom rice-cake thief Monday. "Whoever's doing this really needs to learn about something called a supermarket," said Fahey, who has lost one strawberry and three caramel-apple rice cakes to the thief this month. "Rice cakes aren't free, you know." Fahey said she plans to take harsher security measures, including a Post-It note on the bag reading, "These are my rice cakes... Please get your own!!!"
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Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord

ROCKVILLE, MD—In a historic show of wad solidarity, delegates representing gaywads and dorkwads signed the first-ever Wad Alliance Treaty Monday in the cafeteria of Adlai Stevenson Memorial High School.

Above: As President Clinton looks on, dorkwad and gaywad leaders sign the landmark Wad Alliance Treaty.

The landmark accord, whose signing was presided over by President Clinton, is considered the most significant step ever taken toward wad unification.

"For too long, wad factionalism has divided the wad community, senselessly pitting wad against wad in bitter inter-wad disputes," dorkwad representative Tad Patrick Reems, 15, told reporters. "Now is the time for us to set aside our differences and join together in opposition of our common enemy--the mean, popular kids who have mercilessly inflicted locker-room wedgies upon us since time immemorial."

Gaywad Jeff Brunner, 14, agreed. "From this day forward," he said, "we will no longer see each other as dorkwads and gaywads, but instead, simply as wads, brothers united in our collective struggle against wad persecution."

Many of those present at the signing ceremony were overcome with emotion, necessitating the emergency use of a number of asthma inhalers. At least one attendee shot milk out of his nose.

"The road to wad healing has begun," said Clinton, who, working closely with Secretary of State Madeleine Albright and the ASHS Key Club, was instrumental in the delicate after-school negotiations that led to Monday's signing. "Thanks to the efforts of those on both sides, we can look forward to the day when the wads of this great nation can all sit down together and play Magic: The Gathering at the table of brotherhood."

Though some feared there would be trouble at the signing ceremony, it went off mostly without incident. The notable exception was a brief episode in which a Games magazine belonging to major gaywad Stephen Tempelman, 15, was confiscated by three junior-varsity basketball players. After a brief scuffle, during which the popular athletes engaged Tempelman in a spirited game of "keep-away," National Guardsmen were mobilized to seize the magazine and return it to its rightful gaywad owner.

"Let this sad turn of events serve as a painful and all-too-familiar reminder of why wads must unite," said Tempelman, speaking to reporters and fellow wads after taping together his glasses, which had been stepped on in the keep-away incident. "It's high time we realized that vicious anti-wad attacks such as this one are attacks against us all, gaywads and dorkwads alike."

Tempelman's stirring call for pan-wad unity resonated with many at the conference.

Above: As President Clinton looks on, dorkwad and gaywad leaders sign the landmark Wad Alliance Treaty.

"The countless cruel acts perpetrated against wads, including swirlies, noogies, titty-twisters, wet willies, purple nurples and Indian sunburns, as well as the throwing of wad headgear and retainers onto the roof of the school, have been tolerated long enough," said gaywad leader and chaotic evil magic-user/thief Lenny Berger, 15. "But such injustice will not cease until the day we finally join together, forming an unstoppable wad juggernaut to defend ourselves against the jocks, stoners, stuck-ups, cheerleaders, metalheads, gearheads and all others who would seek to destroy us. We can no longer afford to waste our efforts fighting against each other. Too many mathletes have died."

It is hoped that the milestone accord will finally end decades of wad sectarianism, which in recent years has turned the nation's computer labs, debate tournaments and science-fiction conventions into bloody battlefields of wad-on-wad violence. In 1993, the Illinois State Speech & Forensics Championship was marred by rioting that left 23 varsity-level finalists in the "extemporaneous" and "persuasive" speech categories dead and dozens more injured. In 1995, a San Diego Doctor Who convention was disrupted when a contingent of dorkwad attendees was attacked by gaywads from a Neil Gaiman comic-book signing across town. And the frequent clashes between the nation's dorkwad-controlled yearbook staffs and its gaywad-run school newspapers are well documented.

Addressing the assembled dorkwads and gaywads, Clinton expressed hope that the Wad Alliance Treaty is merely the start of a larger peace process that ultimately brings all wad factions together.

"The time for wad unity is now," Clinton said. "With this momentous signing, let the new wad era begin."

Depite Clinton's optimism, pan-wad unity is considered unlikely in the near future. Numerous wad factions, including the dickwad, dipwad, jerkwad and fuckwad groups, refused to participate in the wad accord. One fringe faction, a militant dickwad splinter group known as the "dickweeds," issued a formal statement decrying the treaty as "dork city" and "totally gay."

But even in the face of such opposition, the Wad Alliance Treaty is regarded as a major step forward in the wad peace process. Under the terms of the pact, dorkwads and gaywads will present a united Audio-Visual Club front. And thanks to the treaty, the rifts that have long split the marching-band and math-Olympiad arenas are beginning to heal, as well. What remains to be seen is how long this peace—a peace as fragile as a hand-painted lead miniature D&D game figurine—can hold.

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