adBlockCheck

Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord

Top Headlines

Recent News

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord

ROCKVILLE, MD—In a historic show of wad solidarity, delegates representing gaywads and dorkwads signed the first-ever Wad Alliance Treaty Monday in the cafeteria of Adlai Stevenson Memorial High School.

Above: As President Clinton looks on, dorkwad and gaywad leaders sign the landmark Wad Alliance Treaty.

The landmark accord, whose signing was presided over by President Clinton, is considered the most significant step ever taken toward wad unification.

"For too long, wad factionalism has divided the wad community, senselessly pitting wad against wad in bitter inter-wad disputes," dorkwad representative Tad Patrick Reems, 15, told reporters. "Now is the time for us to set aside our differences and join together in opposition of our common enemy--the mean, popular kids who have mercilessly inflicted locker-room wedgies upon us since time immemorial."

Gaywad Jeff Brunner, 14, agreed. "From this day forward," he said, "we will no longer see each other as dorkwads and gaywads, but instead, simply as wads, brothers united in our collective struggle against wad persecution."

Many of those present at the signing ceremony were overcome with emotion, necessitating the emergency use of a number of asthma inhalers. At least one attendee shot milk out of his nose.

"The road to wad healing has begun," said Clinton, who, working closely with Secretary of State Madeleine Albright and the ASHS Key Club, was instrumental in the delicate after-school negotiations that led to Monday's signing. "Thanks to the efforts of those on both sides, we can look forward to the day when the wads of this great nation can all sit down together and play Magic: The Gathering at the table of brotherhood."

Though some feared there would be trouble at the signing ceremony, it went off mostly without incident. The notable exception was a brief episode in which a Games magazine belonging to major gaywad Stephen Tempelman, 15, was confiscated by three junior-varsity basketball players. After a brief scuffle, during which the popular athletes engaged Tempelman in a spirited game of "keep-away," National Guardsmen were mobilized to seize the magazine and return it to its rightful gaywad owner.

"Let this sad turn of events serve as a painful and all-too-familiar reminder of why wads must unite," said Tempelman, speaking to reporters and fellow wads after taping together his glasses, which had been stepped on in the keep-away incident. "It's high time we realized that vicious anti-wad attacks such as this one are attacks against us all, gaywads and dorkwads alike."

Tempelman's stirring call for pan-wad unity resonated with many at the conference.

Above: As President Clinton looks on, dorkwad and gaywad leaders sign the landmark Wad Alliance Treaty.

"The countless cruel acts perpetrated against wads, including swirlies, noogies, titty-twisters, wet willies, purple nurples and Indian sunburns, as well as the throwing of wad headgear and retainers onto the roof of the school, have been tolerated long enough," said gaywad leader and chaotic evil magic-user/thief Lenny Berger, 15. "But such injustice will not cease until the day we finally join together, forming an unstoppable wad juggernaut to defend ourselves against the jocks, stoners, stuck-ups, cheerleaders, metalheads, gearheads and all others who would seek to destroy us. We can no longer afford to waste our efforts fighting against each other. Too many mathletes have died."

It is hoped that the milestone accord will finally end decades of wad sectarianism, which in recent years has turned the nation's computer labs, debate tournaments and science-fiction conventions into bloody battlefields of wad-on-wad violence. In 1993, the Illinois State Speech & Forensics Championship was marred by rioting that left 23 varsity-level finalists in the "extemporaneous" and "persuasive" speech categories dead and dozens more injured. In 1995, a San Diego Doctor Who convention was disrupted when a contingent of dorkwad attendees was attacked by gaywads from a Neil Gaiman comic-book signing across town. And the frequent clashes between the nation's dorkwad-controlled yearbook staffs and its gaywad-run school newspapers are well documented.

Addressing the assembled dorkwads and gaywads, Clinton expressed hope that the Wad Alliance Treaty is merely the start of a larger peace process that ultimately brings all wad factions together.

"The time for wad unity is now," Clinton said. "With this momentous signing, let the new wad era begin."

Depite Clinton's optimism, pan-wad unity is considered unlikely in the near future. Numerous wad factions, including the dickwad, dipwad, jerkwad and fuckwad groups, refused to participate in the wad accord. One fringe faction, a militant dickwad splinter group known as the "dickweeds," issued a formal statement decrying the treaty as "dork city" and "totally gay."

But even in the face of such opposition, the Wad Alliance Treaty is regarded as a major step forward in the wad peace process. Under the terms of the pact, dorkwads and gaywads will present a united Audio-Visual Club front. And thanks to the treaty, the rifts that have long split the marching-band and math-Olympiad arenas are beginning to heal, as well. What remains to be seen is how long this peace—a peace as fragile as a hand-painted lead miniature D&D game figurine—can hold.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close