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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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GChat Status Disastrously Left On Visible During Peak Andrea Hours

AUSTIN, TX—Calling it a “catastrophic oversight,” local woman Denise Clark, 27, accidentally left her GChat status as “available” during peak Andrea hours Thursday night, resulting in a barrage of wholly unwanted messages appearing in the bottom-right corner of her Gmail interface. “Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Clark said as she read the first of nine incoming chats bearing such phrases as “hey!” “whats up?” and “I have to tell you the funniest thing,” each announced by a penetrating chime. “God, I knew I should have left it on ‘invisible,’ or at least set it to ‘busy’—now Andrea knows I’m here. Look, you can see she’s still typing away. Goddammit.” At press time, a shaken Clark had resolved to move to another browser tab and not touch a single thing in Gmail until the little dot next to her name turned orange, leaving her to safely wait in “idle” mode until Andrea off-hours had resumed.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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