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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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GChat Status Disastrously Left On Visible During Peak Andrea Hours

AUSTIN, TX—Calling it a “catastrophic oversight,” local woman Denise Clark, 27, accidentally left her GChat status as “available” during peak Andrea hours Thursday night, resulting in a barrage of wholly unwanted messages appearing in the bottom-right corner of her Gmail interface. “Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Clark said as she read the first of nine incoming chats bearing such phrases as “hey!” “whats up?” and “I have to tell you the funniest thing,” each announced by a penetrating chime. “God, I knew I should have left it on ‘invisible,’ or at least set it to ‘busy’—now Andrea knows I’m here. Look, you can see she’s still typing away. Goddammit.” At press time, a shaken Clark had resolved to move to another browser tab and not touch a single thing in Gmail until the little dot next to her name turned orange, leaving her to safely wait in “idle” mode until Andrea off-hours had resumed.

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