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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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GChat Status Disastrously Left On Visible During Peak Andrea Hours

AUSTIN, TX—Calling it a “catastrophic oversight,” local woman Denise Clark, 27, accidentally left her GChat status as “available” during peak Andrea hours Thursday night, resulting in a barrage of wholly unwanted messages appearing in the bottom-right corner of her Gmail interface. “Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Clark said as she read the first of nine incoming chats bearing such phrases as “hey!” “whats up?” and “I have to tell you the funniest thing,” each announced by a penetrating chime. “God, I knew I should have left it on ‘invisible,’ or at least set it to ‘busy’—now Andrea knows I’m here. Look, you can see she’s still typing away. Goddammit.” At press time, a shaken Clark had resolved to move to another browser tab and not touch a single thing in Gmail until the little dot next to her name turned orange, leaving her to safely wait in “idle” mode until Andrea off-hours had resumed.

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