GE Ad Trumpets Company's Government-Ordered Environmental Cleanup

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Vol 38 Issue 05

Vanquished Foe's Skull Makes Surprisingly Bad Wine Goblet

DEATH MOUNTAIN— The skull of Wynric Lance, failed claimant to the throne of Eirea, does not make as good a wine goblet as Lord Shryke had imagined, the despot revealed Monday. "This damn thing is practically impossible to drink out of," said Shryke at a banquet celebrating the defeat of the Army Of Light. "You have to hold it just right to keep the wine from spilling over the parietal bones where they connect with the occipital. And there's a leak in the left temple. As much as I love the idea of using it, it's just stupid and impractical." Shryke concluded that while he might end up drinking from Lance's skull "occasionally, for show," he plans to retain his set of brass flutes for everyday use.

Valentine's Day Coming A Little Early In Relationship

MONROE, MI— Area resident Todd Munde, who has been dating Lisa Watros for the past three weeks, lamented Monday that Valentine's Day is coming a little early in the couple's relationship. "It's kind of weird to be doing the whole romantic flowers-and-candy Valentine's Day thing with somebody you just started seeing," said Munde, 30. "Ideally, we would have started dating last October. That way, Valentine's Day would have fallen somewhere around the four-month mark. Oh, well."

Moviegoer Can Already See Where Commercials Will Go

MILTON, MA— Twenty minutes into a screening of Disney's Snow Dogs Monday, moviegoer Ryan Friesen announced that he can already tell where the commercial breaks will be inserted when the film is aired on ABC sometime in 2003. "Right there... commercial," Friesen said to himself as Cuba Gooding Jr., who stars as a Miami dentist who inherits an dogsled team, heads off to Alaska. "That'll be the first break, right around 8:20 p.m., assuming they start it at 8." Friesen has previously called the commercial breaks for the films Jumanji, Home Alone 2, and Twister with 80 percent accuracy.

Smiling Willie Nelson Reflects On A Lifetime Of Weed And Women

LUCK , TX— Taking a long, slow drag off a joint, country-music legend Willie Nelson reflected on a lifetime of weed and women Monday. "I've had some pretty fine times," said a smiling Nelson between hits at his West Texas ranch. "And some pretty fine ladies. Some of the names have escaped me, but the memories never will." Nelson then retired to his backyard, where he drank beer and strummed his favorite guitar while watching the sun go down.

The Defense Budget

President Bush's proposed $379 billion defense budget would be the largest increase in two decades. What do you think?

Incurable Romantic? Guilty As Charged!

Next to Christmas, my favorite holiday has to be Valentine's Day. In fact, I just got done decorating the windows of our apartment with teeny hearts cut out of red tissue paper, an annual ritual of mine. And, without fail, my efforts always get the same reaction from hubby Rick: "Geez, Jean, did they rezone the red-light district right through our place? Where's the whores?"
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GE Ad Trumpets Company's Government-Ordered Environmental Cleanup

PITTSFIELD, MA—A new television commercial from General Electric, unveiled Tuesday, proudly trumpets the company's federally mandated cleanup of a river it polluted.

A recent GE ad touting the company's cleanup of a river it polluted.

Part of a $70 million PR campaign, the GE ad depicts a beautiful bend on Massachusetts' Housatonic River, which had been polluted by decades of PCB discharges and other hazardous chemicals from the company's plant in nearby Pittsfield.

"We work hard on this lazy river," a deep-voiced actor says as the camera lingers on the Housatonic, which GE was ordered to clean at a cost of $250 million by the EPA. "In the past three months alone, GE has removed more than 5,200 cubic yards of river sediments and 3,200 cubic yards of bank soil, making the Housatonic River a safe and beautiful place for everyone."

As the camera pans upward to a clear, blue sky, the announcer closes with the words, "GE, we bring good things back to life."

"GE is committed to doing our part for future generations," said GE press liaison Brandon Thayer following a special press screening of the ad. "We care about clean air and water."

The ad is one in a series touting GE's compliance with EPA-mandated cleanups of the environmental damage it has wrought. One such ad showcases the company's cleanup of the Hudson River, into which it dropped more than 1.3 million pounds of PCBs. Still other GE ads boast of the company's compliance with federal laws aimed at preventing future damage.

Hundreds of fish contaminated with GE-dumped PCBs lie dead on the banks of a river.

"The environment is important to GE. Maybe that's why last year alone, we spent $138 million on pollution-control equipment to minimize waste and reduce emissions," stated a 1999 commercial boasting of GE's decision not to appeal a failed challenge the 1990 Clean Air Act. "Fresh air, blue skies... GE is making this future possible."

The Housatonic commercial was first conceived in November 2001, more than two years after an EPA consent decree was lodged against GE and four years after the pollution-choked river was added to the EPA's Superfund National Priorities List.

"At GE, we're committed to making your world better," a print version of the ad states. "That's why we're involved in 87 active federal Superfund sites."

According to Thayer, GE has donated more than $400 million to cleanup sites around the U.S. since 1990. He added that the company spends millions more each year conducting its own research to determine which substances should qualify as contaminants and which should be freed from government restrictions.

"GE will continue to do everything in its power to protect our greatest resource: our planet," said Thayer, reiterating the company's commitment to the mandatory cleanup of polluted sites near its manufacturing plants. "After all, it's the only one we've got."

Next week, a new ad showcasing GE's work cleaning up the grounds of a Malvern, PA, elementary school is slated to make its debut. After GE was forced to remove 41,000 cubic yards of contaminated soil from the school's playground area, it installed new recreational equipment and athletic facilities on the site. The ad, which cites GE's playground-equipment donation, features a delighted child on a slide and a voiceover stating, "GE knows you've got to give just a little... to get a smile in return."

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