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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Gears Of War Crimes Court Finds 2006 Locust Horde Massacre Justified

JACINTO PLATEAU, SERA—An independent group holding a Gears of War Crimes Tribunal at the Coalition of Ordered Governments headquarters Wednesday to assess whether Delta Squad members Colonel Hoffman, Marcus Fenix, and Dominic Santiago had committed atrocities against the Locust Horde found the three super-soldiers' actions justified. "All actions related to attacking civilian targets such as the Imulsion pumping station were absolutely necessary, otherwise the defendants would not have been able to reach the elevator leading to the campus courtyard, which was essential to advance to the next level," presiding judge Hildreth Crespin said. "Nevertheless, because the super-soldiers openly used the derogatory and hurtful term 'grub' to refer to the Locust Horde, we recommend they seek bestial sensitivity training." Critics of the verdict, who felt Delta Squad should be held accountable for detonating a Lightmass bomb that killed millions of innocent members of the Locust Horde, claimed the men circumvented punishment by using a secret cheat code at the beginning of the trial.

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