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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Gears Of War Crimes Court Finds 2006 Locust Horde Massacre Justified

JACINTO PLATEAU, SERA—An independent group holding a Gears of War Crimes Tribunal at the Coalition of Ordered Governments headquarters Wednesday to assess whether Delta Squad members Colonel Hoffman, Marcus Fenix, and Dominic Santiago had committed atrocities against the Locust Horde found the three super-soldiers' actions justified. "All actions related to attacking civilian targets such as the Imulsion pumping station were absolutely necessary, otherwise the defendants would not have been able to reach the elevator leading to the campus courtyard, which was essential to advance to the next level," presiding judge Hildreth Crespin said. "Nevertheless, because the super-soldiers openly used the derogatory and hurtful term 'grub' to refer to the Locust Horde, we recommend they seek bestial sensitivity training." Critics of the verdict, who felt Delta Squad should be held accountable for detonating a Lightmass bomb that killed millions of innocent members of the Locust Horde, claimed the men circumvented punishment by using a secret cheat code at the beginning of the trial.

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