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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Geithner Refuses To Come Down Off Capitol Dome

WASHINGTON—Three days after a sulking Timothy Geithner climbed to the top of the U.S. Capitol dome, the treasury secretary remained steadfast Monday in his refusal to come down. "You all hate me," said Geithner, his arms crossed as he shouted at the crowd of onlookers gathered on the Capitol lawn below. "What do you care if I stay up here? You'll just make fun of me if I come down anyway. Well, I'm not coming down—not ever!" Federal security teams monitoring the situation said they believed Geithner might be planning an extended stay atop the dome, as evidenced by what appeared to be a burlap sack containing various snacks, a six-pack of root beer, and several copies of The Economist.

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