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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Gene Upshaw Hires Former Football Players To Rough Each Other Up

NEW YORK—Frustrated with trying to fulfill the needs of both the NFL Players' Association and retired players claiming they have been underrepresented, NFLPA Executive Director Gene Upshaw has resorted to offering several financially troubled former football players cash in exchange for making sure other former football players stop complaining to the press. "Okay, here's a grand—make sure that guy shuts his big yap about lousy pension benefits and inadequate health coverage," Upshaw reportedly told Chuck Bednarik and Joe DeLamielleure, both former NFL offensive linemen, about each other in separate conversations last week. "There's more money in it for you once I hear he's been convinced his post-concussion syndrome could be worse, see?" Upshaw refused to answer any questions regarding the strongarm practices, saying that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell would "disappear me in an eyeblink if I sang."

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