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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Gene Upshaw Hires Former Football Players To Rough Each Other Up

NEW YORK—Frustrated with trying to fulfill the needs of both the NFL Players' Association and retired players claiming they have been underrepresented, NFLPA Executive Director Gene Upshaw has resorted to offering several financially troubled former football players cash in exchange for making sure other former football players stop complaining to the press. "Okay, here's a grand—make sure that guy shuts his big yap about lousy pension benefits and inadequate health coverage," Upshaw reportedly told Chuck Bednarik and Joe DeLamielleure, both former NFL offensive linemen, about each other in separate conversations last week. "There's more money in it for you once I hear he's been convinced his post-concussion syndrome could be worse, see?" Upshaw refused to answer any questions regarding the strongarm practices, saying that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell would "disappear me in an eyeblink if I sang."

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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