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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Generous Military Sends $800 In Disability To Man Who Wakes Up Screaming Every Night

WASHINGTON—In a deeply magnanimous gesture of charity to the two-time war veteran, sources confirmed today that a truly beneficent U.S. military generously sends a bounteous $800 in monthly benefits to John Callins, a former combat soldier in Iraq and Afghanistan who wakes up every night screaming in a pool of his own sweat. “In order to compensate those who live with service-related disabilities, the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs offers veterans and their families a monthly tax-free monetary benefit,” VA spokesman John Warner said of the noble and unbelievably selfless program, which provides 800 whole dollars a month for the man who withdraws into himself every morning after ingesting a cocktail of antipsychotic and antidepressant medications to control PTSD symptoms, social anxiety, and a host of other debilitating and ongoing mental disorders that will stay with him for the rest of his life. “It is the right of all servicemen to live with dignity and respect, and this program is designed to ensure that those with military-related disabilities receive the benefits they deserve.” Sources added that in another act of almost unimaginable kindness and generosity toward the currently unemployed veteran of two brutal foreign wars, the noble institution offers additional compensation and services to family caretakers who grow more distant and alienated each day as the stress of caring for a mentally broken relative slowly chips away at their own lives and relationships.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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