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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Generous Military Sends $800 In Disability To Man Who Wakes Up Screaming Every Night

WASHINGTON—In a deeply magnanimous gesture of charity to the two-time war veteran, sources confirmed today that a truly beneficent U.S. military generously sends a bounteous $800 in monthly benefits to John Callins, a former combat soldier in Iraq and Afghanistan who wakes up every night screaming in a pool of his own sweat. “In order to compensate those who live with service-related disabilities, the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs offers veterans and their families a monthly tax-free monetary benefit,” VA spokesman John Warner said of the noble and unbelievably selfless program, which provides 800 whole dollars a month for the man who withdraws into himself every morning after ingesting a cocktail of antipsychotic and antidepressant medications to control PTSD symptoms, social anxiety, and a host of other debilitating and ongoing mental disorders that will stay with him for the rest of his life. “It is the right of all servicemen to live with dignity and respect, and this program is designed to ensure that those with military-related disabilities receive the benefits they deserve.” Sources added that in another act of almost unimaginable kindness and generosity toward the currently unemployed veteran of two brutal foreign wars, the noble institution offers additional compensation and services to family caretakers who grow more distant and alienated each day as the stress of caring for a mentally broken relative slowly chips away at their own lives and relationships.

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