adBlockCheck

Local

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Generous Military Sends $800 In Disability To Man Who Wakes Up Screaming Every Night

WASHINGTON—In a deeply magnanimous gesture of charity to the two-time war veteran, sources confirmed today that a truly beneficent U.S. military generously sends a bounteous $800 in monthly benefits to John Callins, a former combat soldier in Iraq and Afghanistan who wakes up every night screaming in a pool of his own sweat. “In order to compensate those who live with service-related disabilities, the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs offers veterans and their families a monthly tax-free monetary benefit,” VA spokesman John Warner said of the noble and unbelievably selfless program, which provides 800 whole dollars a month for the man who withdraws into himself every morning after ingesting a cocktail of antipsychotic and antidepressant medications to control PTSD symptoms, social anxiety, and a host of other debilitating and ongoing mental disorders that will stay with him for the rest of his life. “It is the right of all servicemen to live with dignity and respect, and this program is designed to ensure that those with military-related disabilities receive the benefits they deserve.” Sources added that in another act of almost unimaginable kindness and generosity toward the currently unemployed veteran of two brutal foreign wars, the noble institution offers additional compensation and services to family caretakers who grow more distant and alienated each day as the stress of caring for a mentally broken relative slowly chips away at their own lives and relationships.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings