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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Generous Vice President Cheney Gives Hard-Working Media Field Day

2006 was the year Vice President Dick Cheney broke from his traditionally parsimonious relationship with the news media, and rewarded journalists and commentators with an extremely provocative news item involving the near-point-blank shooting of 78-year-old friend and campaign contributor Harry Whittington on a Texas ranch.

<p>Spraying my elderly hunting companion in the face with birdshot was the least I could do for the press corps I love.</p> <p>Vice President Dick Cheney</p>

When the vice president addressed the media two days after the incident, many of those in the press corps were moved to tears.

"Christmas has come early this year," Cheney quipped to the appreciative crowd of reporters in the White House press briefing room. "But in all seriousness, you truly deserve this gift, which I happily bestow on you in great thanks and humble appreciation for all you've done these past five years. May you make the most of it."

"Considering all the trouble you go through to cover the White House, spraying my elderly hunting companion in the face with birdshot was the least I could do," he said.

"I love you all," he added.

Cheney said the "token of [his] affection" was intended not only for reporters, but for anyone in any media-related position. "Late-night talk-show hosts, pundits, parody songwriters, and even bloggers—from the bottom of my heart, I want you all to have this."

Cheney urged the recipients to exploit the way he seemingly acted out of sheer malice and callous indifference in his handling of the incident, inviting them to make jokes inspired by, but not limited to, his authoritarian persona, his pro-gun position, and the bumbling cartoon hunter Elmer Fudd.

"I can't remember the last time a high-level administration official has taken the time to do something so wonderful just for us," NBC Chief White House Correspondent David Gregory said shortly after Cheney's announcement. "Mr. Vice President, we salute you."

The incident quickly garnered worldwide attention and deep media gratitude.

"I could have kissed him," The Washington Post's Richard Cohen said. "And when it came out that his favorite hobby is slaughtering dozens of defenseless pheasants who have no chance to escape from the confines of the hunting ranch, that was the icing on the cake."

Cohen added, "I doubt we'll ever see a vice president as kindhearted and generous as this one."

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