adBlockCheck

Generous Vice President Cheney Gives Hard-Working Media Field Day

Top Headlines

Politics

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Generous Vice President Cheney Gives Hard-Working Media Field Day

2006 was the year Vice President Dick Cheney broke from his traditionally parsimonious relationship with the news media, and rewarded journalists and commentators with an extremely provocative news item involving the near-point-blank shooting of 78-year-old friend and campaign contributor Harry Whittington on a Texas ranch.

<p>Spraying my elderly hunting companion in the face with birdshot was the least I could do for the press corps I love.</p> <p>Vice President Dick Cheney</p>

When the vice president addressed the media two days after the incident, many of those in the press corps were moved to tears.

"Christmas has come early this year," Cheney quipped to the appreciative crowd of reporters in the White House press briefing room. "But in all seriousness, you truly deserve this gift, which I happily bestow on you in great thanks and humble appreciation for all you've done these past five years. May you make the most of it."

"Considering all the trouble you go through to cover the White House, spraying my elderly hunting companion in the face with birdshot was the least I could do," he said.

"I love you all," he added.

Cheney said the "token of [his] affection" was intended not only for reporters, but for anyone in any media-related position. "Late-night talk-show hosts, pundits, parody songwriters, and even bloggers—from the bottom of my heart, I want you all to have this."

Cheney urged the recipients to exploit the way he seemingly acted out of sheer malice and callous indifference in his handling of the incident, inviting them to make jokes inspired by, but not limited to, his authoritarian persona, his pro-gun position, and the bumbling cartoon hunter Elmer Fudd.

"I can't remember the last time a high-level administration official has taken the time to do something so wonderful just for us," NBC Chief White House Correspondent David Gregory said shortly after Cheney's announcement. "Mr. Vice President, we salute you."

The incident quickly garnered worldwide attention and deep media gratitude.

"I could have kissed him," The Washington Post's Richard Cohen said. "And when it came out that his favorite hobby is slaughtering dozens of defenseless pheasants who have no chance to escape from the confines of the hunting ranch, that was the icing on the cake."

Cohen added, "I doubt we'll ever see a vice president as kindhearted and generous as this one."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close