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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Genetic Experiment Goes Horribly Right

PASADENA, CA—A grotesque and unsettling genetic experiment in which human corneal tissue was grown on the backs of naked mole rats has gone horribly, horribly right, sickened Caltech scientists announced Monday. "Never in our worst nightmares could we have foreseen the appalling success of this advantageous abomination," head researcher Dr. Trevor Keller said of the phenomenal medical breakthrough, which could potentially treat those suffering from congenital blindness. "Oh the humanity! The benefit to humanity!" Keller said that mankind's only hope is for his team to continue their research.

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