Genetic Experiment Goes Horribly Right

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Vol 45 Issue 05

Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

SHERIDAN, OR—"Honestly, what am I supposed to do now?" First-time inmate Martin Hayes asked. "Sit-Ups? Did some already. And I finished the book I brought with me."

Octuplets Doing Well

The second set of octuplets born in the United States is doing well, with all reportedly breathing on their own. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

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Genetic Experiment Goes Horribly Right

PASADENA, CA—A grotesque and unsettling genetic experiment in which human corneal tissue was grown on the backs of naked mole rats has gone horribly, horribly right, sickened Caltech scientists announced Monday. "Never in our worst nightmares could we have foreseen the appalling success of this advantageous abomination," head researcher Dr. Trevor Keller said of the phenomenal medical breakthrough, which could potentially treat those suffering from congenital blindness. "Oh the humanity! The benefit to humanity!" Keller said that mankind's only hope is for his team to continue their research.

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