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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Genetically-Modified Food Activity Around The Nation

Produce-related anomalies seem to be on the rise in America. Some examples of unusual activity by genetically modified crops reported in the past 12 months:

  • Large pumpkin dry heaves in fear as two young children attempt to take it home for Halloween (Piedmont, OK)
  • Carrot calls farmer a "motherfucker" after being pulled from the ground (Sequim, WA)
  • Avocado has panic attack while questioning its own existence (Temecula, CA)
  • Bushel of wheat organizes a protest against its own harvest (Madison, WI)
  • Mushrooms hiss and snap at salad bar patrons attempting to grab them with tongs (Portland, ME)
  • Strawberry quietly asks elderly woman making strawberry pie whether there's a heaven for strawberries (Fort Mill, SC)

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