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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Gentle Ben Biographer's Shocking New Book Reveals Famous Bear's 28-Pine-Marten-A-Day Habit

LOS ANGELES—The film community was stunned Tuesday by a new biography's allegations that at the peak of his acting career, celebrated American black bear Gentle Ben was a ferocious addict who consumed up to 28 pine martens a day. "I spoke to a production assistant whose job was to buy the pine martens and sneak them into Gentle's trailer," said Gary Collins, whose book Go, Gentle, Into That Good Night contends the bear "was not always as gentle as his public image would suggest." "He refused to work until he'd had at least five pine martens, and by the time he stumbled onto the set, he could barely make it through his scenes. When he finally crashed, he sometimes hibernated for a year or more. That cost him a role on Grizzly Adams." According to the book, it was only with the help of Bear Jesus that Gentle Ben was able to break the chains of his crippling Mustelidae addiction.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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