Gentle Ben Biographer's Shocking New Book Reveals Famous Bear's 28-Pine-Marten-A-Day Habit

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Vol 47 Issue 19

Nation Wrestling With Notion Of Mark Cuban Winning NBA Title

DALLAS—Within hours of the Mavericks sweeping the Lakers Sunday to advance to the NBA Western Conference Finals, basketball fans across the United States began preparing themselves for the very real possibility of outspoken libertarian and tech bill...

Career Highlights Of Phil Jackson

Thirteen-time NBA champion Phil Jackson, the man who most thoroughly embodies the idea of the basketball guru, is saying he’ll hang it up now that his Lakers have been eliminated from the playoffs.

Bronx Zoo Loses Peacock

Following a high-profile cobra escape earlier this year, the world-famous Bronx Zoo had a peacock go missing this week.

Area Man Has Some Pretty Shitty Mob Ties

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Despite local contractor Danny Polazza's frequent claims that "he knows a few guys," friends confirmed Monday that the 42-year-old's ties to the Mafia are actually pretty shitty.

Shriver, Schwarzenegger Separate

After 25 years of marriage, former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and former NBC News reporter Maria Shriver announced they are separating.
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Gentle Ben Biographer's Shocking New Book Reveals Famous Bear's 28-Pine-Marten-A-Day Habit

LOS ANGELES—The film community was stunned Tuesday by a new biography's allegations that at the peak of his acting career, celebrated American black bear Gentle Ben was a ferocious addict who consumed up to 28 pine martens a day. "I spoke to a production assistant whose job was to buy the pine martens and sneak them into Gentle's trailer," said Gary Collins, whose book Go, Gentle, Into That Good Night contends the bear "was not always as gentle as his public image would suggest." "He refused to work until he'd had at least five pine martens, and by the time he stumbled onto the set, he could barely make it through his scenes. When he finally crashed, he sometimes hibernated for a year or more. That cost him a role on Grizzly Adams." According to the book, it was only with the help of Bear Jesus that Gentle Ben was able to break the chains of his crippling Mustelidae addiction.

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