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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Genuine Love And Respect Only Thing Holding Area Relationship Together

CROWLEY, LA—According to friends of Brian and Stacey Stockton, the couple's 30-year marriage is currently hanging by a thread, with only their profound love and mutual respect for one another keeping them together. "If they don't get a divorce soon, I'd be surprised, because at this point all they've really got to go on is their deep, abiding trust, strong sense of commitment, and willingness to compromise," neighbor Vince Cafferty told reporters Sunday, adding that the only thing preventing the couple from separating is the fact that they've acted as beacons of support and affection for each other from the moment they first met. "Marriages like that—built on empathy, a rock-solid belief system, and undying devotion—simply can't last. There's just nothing there." Cafferty added that he thinks the Stocktons are only staying together for their kids, who went away to college years ago, have recently gotten married, and now use their parents' relationship as a model for their own.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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