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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Genuine Love And Respect Only Thing Holding Area Relationship Together

CROWLEY, LA—According to friends of Brian and Stacey Stockton, the couple's 30-year marriage is currently hanging by a thread, with only their profound love and mutual respect for one another keeping them together. "If they don't get a divorce soon, I'd be surprised, because at this point all they've really got to go on is their deep, abiding trust, strong sense of commitment, and willingness to compromise," neighbor Vince Cafferty told reporters Sunday, adding that the only thing preventing the couple from separating is the fact that they've acted as beacons of support and affection for each other from the moment they first met. "Marriages like that—built on empathy, a rock-solid belief system, and undying devotion—simply can't last. There's just nothing there." Cafferty added that he thinks the Stocktons are only staying together for their kids, who went away to college years ago, have recently gotten married, and now use their parents' relationship as a model for their own.

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