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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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George Bush To Pull Out Of Den

KENNEBUNKPORT, ME—Before a packed press conference, former President George Bush announced Monday that he will soon begin a full withdrawal from the region of the Bush home known as the "den."

Former President George Bush, addressing reporters in his den: "The time has come for me to prepare, then eat, a sandwich."

"My prime objective here in the den—the watching of the television program Murder, She Wrote—is now complete," said Bush, speaking from a podium near the coffee table by his couch. "I intend to withdraw from that zone of relaxation within two, possibly three minutes."

"As for future plans, according to reports from my grumbling stomach, I am now hungry," Bush continued. "The time has come for me to prepare, then eat, a sandwich. My advisors and I feel confident that this task will be best accomplished in the kitchen region."

Despite his pullout, Bush stressed that he will maintain a strong presence within the den in the form of his cardigan, which has been left draped over the back of his armchair as "a clear signal that my return to the den at some future point is a possibility that cannot be ignored."

"However, let us not forget that the television viewing I achieved in the den will become necessary once more tomorrow night at 8, when a brand-new new episode of Home Improvement is on," Bush said. "As such, there exists a strong need for continued monitoring of the den."

Bush's den—a spacious area intended for the perusal of books and magazines; the monitoring of external events via television; and the entertaining of friends and family during special occasions—has long been a crucial region for Bush family members and cleaning staff alike.

"Bordering both the kitchen and the front foyer and providing access to the basement and hall closet, the den is a strategically vital area of the Bush home," Harvard University political science professor Eric Struck said. "It will likely remain a major player in the first floor's balance of power for years to come."

Most analysts reponded to the pull-out with renewed confidence in Bush's ability to lead not only in his house, but in his garage and backyard as well.

"George Bush has shown that he is ready to take charge," said Elliot Weld of the Brookings Institute, a noted Washington, DC-based political think tank. "In the coming year we should see major changes to his tool shed, as well as bold restructuring of his tulip garden, including a new row of bulbs by mid-'97."

Waving to reporters one last time before boarding the 3'x5' throw rug that would lead him into the next room, Bush said, "I will not forget the den. Let me assure you: My duties within that room remain of paramount priority."

Bush said that after his peanut butter and jelly sandwich-making mission in the greater kitchen/dining room area was complete, his precise agenda was not clear. His overarching goal, however, would be "the preservation of democracy and tidiness in all areas of the Bush family home."

Said Bush: "God bless America!"

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