George Bush To Pull Out Of Den

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Vol 30 Issue 15

Reedsburg Chamber Of Commerce:'Come Grow With Us'

REEDSBURG, OH—According to the Reedsburg Chamber of Commerce, the small Central Ohio town is a great place to relocate a family or business. "Reedsburg Is On The Grow!" said Chamber of Commerce President Fred Frisch, unveiling Reedsburg's new slogan. Frisch added that if you visit Reedsburg, "You'll Like What You See" as, with its low crime rate, clean water and great schools, the town is "A Perfect 10!" Frisch then broke down in tears, adding, "Please move here. The county really needs the tax revenue. We're desperate."

Single-Parent Families Get 'A' Rating ,From Drug Kingpin

ST. LOUIS—Area drug lord Darryl "Cootie-Fish" Jackson gave an "A" rating to single-parent families Monday. "A child raised by one parent is more likely to rebel," Jackson said. "For me, that's great for business." He also commended the nation's moral decay in recent years. "I applaud this decay, and I hope to fill this moral vacuum with drugs." The "A" award was presented at the corner of Third and Dempsey near Fat Sam's Liquors. Receiving "F" grades from Jackson were the St. Louis Police Department, Sesame Street and NBC, for the network's "The More You Know" public-service messages.

Claire Danes Fantasized About

VAN NUYS, CA—Actress Claire Danes, 17, was fantasized about Monday evening by Van Nuys plumber Doug Blodes, 38. "I have been impressed with Danes' acting skills and nubile body ever since first seeing her on My So-Called Life," Blodes said. "Unfortunately, she was only 14 at the time, and I was unable to bring myself to fantasize about her. Though she is still a year away from legal maturity, after seeing her in Romeo and Juliet recently, I could wait no longer." Blodes added he looks forward to the eventual video release of Romeo and Juliet, so that he can "enjoy the film" in the privacy of his own home.

Local Youth To Insert Coin

EVANSTON, IL—According to sources, Evanston resident Danny Vebber, 16, will insert a coin later this afternoon. Though not confirmed, it is believed the coin will be dropped into a Mortal Kombat II video game machine. "Danny's planned coin insertion does not surprise me," Northwestern University professor of sociology Herman Janks said. "The average 16-year-old boy spends the majority of his day inserting coins, whether it be into video games, soda machines or cigarette dispensers. And when these teens aren't inserting coins, they're usually busy looking for more coins to insert." According to Janks, by the time a boy like Vebber turns 17, he will have inserted more than 31,000 coins into some 4,800 slots.

Burundi Asks Neighbor To Keep It Down

BUJUMBURA, BURUNDI—Fed up with the constant noise, Burundi asked neighboring nation Zaire to "please keep it down" Tuesday. "We cannot get anything done around here with all that racket you're making," Burundi Prime Minister Antoine Nduwayo told Zaire. "Can you please hold your upheaval somewhere else, or at least do it more quietly? There are other countries that live around here, you know." Nduwayo added that Burundi's other neighbor, Rwanda, is "not much better."

Hubby Rick and I Just Got Vanity Plates!

Well, Jean's got some bad news for you: Lady is no more! Longtime readers of my column need not ask who Lady is, but for the benefit of you newcomers, Lady is my 1981 Plymouth Sundance coupe. For nearly a decade, Lady took me to work, carried my groceries and, most recently, accompanied me to RomantiCon '96 in Milwaukee.

Ro-Bots Are Trying To Kill Me

I'm often asked about the role of technology in our society, and whether it is ultimately beneficial or destructive. My reply: Technology is a scourge which must be abolished! I know this first-hand, for, as of this writing, a vast army of mechanical men surrounds my estate, ready to wipe me off the map!

Lucky Charms Phases Out Oat Pieces

MINNEAPOLIS—General Mills, maker of the popular breakfast cereal Lucky Charms, announced Tuesday that the morning favorite will soon become much more lucky with the addition of 16 new colorful marshmallow shapes, displacing the unpopular oat pieces that have hampered the cereal's appeal for decades.
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George Bush To Pull Out Of Den

KENNEBUNKPORT, ME—Before a packed press conference, former President George Bush announced Monday that he will soon begin a full withdrawal from the region of the Bush home known as the "den."

Former President George Bush, addressing reporters in his den: "The time has come for me to prepare, then eat, a sandwich."

"My prime objective here in the den—the watching of the television program Murder, She Wrote—is now complete," said Bush, speaking from a podium near the coffee table by his couch. "I intend to withdraw from that zone of relaxation within two, possibly three minutes."

"As for future plans, according to reports from my grumbling stomach, I am now hungry," Bush continued. "The time has come for me to prepare, then eat, a sandwich. My advisors and I feel confident that this task will be best accomplished in the kitchen region."

Despite his pullout, Bush stressed that he will maintain a strong presence within the den in the form of his cardigan, which has been left draped over the back of his armchair as "a clear signal that my return to the den at some future point is a possibility that cannot be ignored."

"However, let us not forget that the television viewing I achieved in the den will become necessary once more tomorrow night at 8, when a brand-new new episode of Home Improvement is on," Bush said. "As such, there exists a strong need for continued monitoring of the den."

Bush's den—a spacious area intended for the perusal of books and magazines; the monitoring of external events via television; and the entertaining of friends and family during special occasions—has long been a crucial region for Bush family members and cleaning staff alike.

"Bordering both the kitchen and the front foyer and providing access to the basement and hall closet, the den is a strategically vital area of the Bush home," Harvard University political science professor Eric Struck said. "It will likely remain a major player in the first floor's balance of power for years to come."

Most analysts reponded to the pull-out with renewed confidence in Bush's ability to lead not only in his house, but in his garage and backyard as well.

"George Bush has shown that he is ready to take charge," said Elliot Weld of the Brookings Institute, a noted Washington, DC-based political think tank. "In the coming year we should see major changes to his tool shed, as well as bold restructuring of his tulip garden, including a new row of bulbs by mid-'97."

Waving to reporters one last time before boarding the 3'x5' throw rug that would lead him into the next room, Bush said, "I will not forget the den. Let me assure you: My duties within that room remain of paramount priority."

Bush said that after his peanut butter and jelly sandwich-making mission in the greater kitchen/dining room area was complete, his precise agenda was not clear. His overarching goal, however, would be "the preservation of democracy and tidiness in all areas of the Bush family home."

Said Bush: "God bless America!"

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