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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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George Clooney Beginning To Think He Should Buy His Own Tuxedo

LOS ANGELES—Saying he didn't want to go overboard but thought it would be a pretty good investment considering his line of work, veteran actor George Clooney told reporters Wednesday he's been thinking about just going ahead and buying his own tuxedo. "At first I thought I wouldn't need one, but I walk into a rental store around 175 times a year, and even the guys there say, 'Why don't you just buy one already?'" Clooney told People magazine, explaining that he spent more than $300,000 last year renting the same black Giorgio Armani. "That makes sense, because I'd get a lot of mileage out of it, and after a while, it would probably pay for itself. Maybe I'll wait and see if I get invited to the Oscars this year, just in case." Clooney added that because he travels so frequently, he is also considering buying a car instead of using a bus pass.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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