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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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George Clooney Enjoys Another Rousing Evening At Home With Mummified Members Of Rat Pack

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Turning up the volume on his record player while wearing his best sharkskin suit, George Clooney reportedly spent another evening at home Thursday with the mummified members of the Rat Pack. “Hey, Frankie, how about you tell that story about the hostess from the Sands and I pour us some more gasoline—three fingers on the rocks, right?” said Clooney, who, after distributing the drinks and clearing everyone’s plates, reportedly grabbed the chemically preserved corpses of Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr., dabbed the beads of embalming fluid running down their cheeks, and propped them up on the bar stools in his billiard room. “Rack ’em up, Dino! Man, I’m glad we still make time to get together for things like this. Say, Peter, what do you say we get some girls over here and make a real night of it?” According to sources, the evening came to an abrupt end after Joey Bishop’s deteriorating arm fell off following prolonged exposure to the air in Clooney’s walk-in humidor.

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