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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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George H.W. Bush Hasn't Seen Anyone From His Secret Service Detail In Years

HOUSTON—President George H.W. Bush realized Tuesday it had been several years since he had seen any members of the Secret Service detail that was assigned to protect him for the rest of his life. "I remember Barbara and I were eating at a diner when [Secret Service agent] Carl [Palmer] came up to the table and told me he had to duck out for a second, but I should call if anything came up," said the visibly saddened 41st president, adding that he could recall a "bright" and "lively" time when he was shuttled from location to location and there were Secret Service agents around him constantly. "Well, I haven't seen Carl since. I guess you eventually just get to an age where no one sees you as a target anymore." Later that evening, President Bush died quietly in his sleep.

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