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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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George H.W. Bush Hasn't Seen Anyone From His Secret Service Detail In Years

HOUSTON—President George H.W. Bush realized Tuesday it had been several years since he had seen any members of the Secret Service detail that was assigned to protect him for the rest of his life. "I remember Barbara and I were eating at a diner when [Secret Service agent] Carl [Palmer] came up to the table and told me he had to duck out for a second, but I should call if anything came up," said the visibly saddened 41st president, adding that he could recall a "bright" and "lively" time when he was shuttled from location to location and there were Secret Service agents around him constantly. "Well, I haven't seen Carl since. I guess you eventually just get to an age where no one sees you as a target anymore." Later that evening, President Bush died quietly in his sleep.

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