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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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George Mason Player Upsets Mother With Last-Second Long-Distance Call From Way Downtown

INDIANAPOLIS—George Mason reserve point guard Roland Farragut chalked up a stunning upset of his mother Wednesday night when he made a last-second long-distance phone call from all the way downtown after a desperate attempt to score. "Never in a million years did I think I would live to see this," said Audrey Farragut, who said she was "monumentally, unbelievably disappointed" by her son's improbable telephone call from a downtown Indianapolis police station, made just moments before the final buzzer sounded at the precinct and arresting officers took Farragut for preliminary booking. "They said my Roland had no business playing with the big boys, and after this shocker, I'm beginning to think they were right. Mark my words, we'll be talking about this one for years to come." Those close to the Farraguts have said the prayer Roland sent up brought Mrs. Farragut to her feet, and are describing her condition as completely stunned and still unable to believe that this really happened.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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