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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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George R. R. Martin Kills Off Whole Family

SANTA FE, NM—In yet another stunning twist that has reportedly shocked fans and law enforcement officials alike, fantasy author George R.R. Martin surprised Game Of Thrones viewers Sunday night by killing off his entire family, sources confirmed. “Wow, I definitely did not see that coming,” said Atlanta man Todd Franklin after learning that the A Song Of Ice And Fire scribe had mercilessly butchered his wife, two sisters, and countless members of his extended family in cold blood after locking them inside his Santa Fe residence. “To think that he slit the throats of all those major relatives like that, in the blink of an eye, it’s just crazy. He definitely keeps you on your toes, that’s for sure.” While fans of the HBO series were blindsided by the unexpected and brutal murders, longtime readers of Martin’s books told reporters that they were not at all surprised to see the novelist commit such atrocities, as that’s exactly what he did to several other close friends and relatives 12 years ago.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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