ELMHURST, IL—Furrowing his brow and nodding along to his wife’s pricing and location concerns Tuesday, local man Grant Foster’s sole contribution to the search for a new home has reportedly been to periodically tell his wife he wishes he knew how to help.
TAMPA, FL—While on his deathbed in his Tampa home, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner ordered his hospice nurse out of the room, motioned for his sons Hal and Hank to come closer, and began whispering the generations-old secret to making the Yankees a winning ballclub before abruptly dying mid-speech. "He just said, 'All you have to do to ensure the continued success of the Yankee franchise is is yell... at ' and then he was gone," Hank Steinbrenner told reporters Monday morning. "I kept banging his chest and screaming 'Yell at who?! Who are we supposed to yell at? Wake up, you old bastard!' but it was too late. We did, however, find this mysterious golden amulet in his pocket but that can't be it, can it? Can it?" He then announced plans to fire every employee in the company one by one until the Yankees return to first place.