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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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George Steinbrenner Tells Sons To Mellow Out

NEW YORK—Following the latest in a series of animated outbursts by Yankee co-chairman Hank Steinbrenner, a tirade in which he said that "only an idiot" would not start Joba Chamberlain, comparatively laid-back Yankee owner George Steinbrenner advised his sons to "calm down" and "not make any rash decisions." "It's just a game," Steinbrenner said in a statement released by his spokesman Howard Rubenstein. "Honestly, who cares if the Yankees lose a couple? It's not the end of the world. As long as everyone is having fun...that's the important thing." Steinbrenner added that he is no longer requiring the Yankees to win the World Series, but that if they are eliminated in the ALDS, Joe Girardi will be out of a job and Brian Cashman will be executed before a firing squad.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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