adBlockCheck

George W. Bush Chuckles To Self Upon Thinking About How He Was President Of The United States For Almost A Decade

Top Headlines

Politics

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

Trump’s Potential VP Picks

Here is a guide to presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump’s potential running mates in the 2016 presidential election

47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.

Nation Clinging Desperately To Brief Inspirational Moment Before Being Thrust Back Into Raging Election Maelstrom

WASHINGTON—Following Hillary Clinton’s primary victories Tuesday that presumably secured her place as the first woman in U.S. history to receive a major party’s presidential nomination, citizens across the nation admitted to reporters they were desperately clinging to the brief moment of inspiration before they are inevitably thrust back into the raging black maelstrom of the 2016 election.

Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination

Candidate Transitioning Into Mature Presidential Form Inside Cocoon, Aides Say

NEW YORK—Immediately after she clinched the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination Monday night, campaign aides announced that Hillary Clinton had retreated to a dark corner of her Brooklyn headquarters and entered the beginning of a 16-week incubation period.

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

George W. Bush Chuckles To Self Upon Thinking About How He Was President Of The United States For Almost A Decade

DALLAS—While sitting alone on the porch of his home late Monday afternoon, George W. Bush, 63, chuckled upon suddenly remembering that he was once the president of the United States of America for nearly a decade.

At times, the man who authorized two separate wars in as many years wonders if the whole thing wasn't just a dream.

"Huh," uttered the amused former world leader, reflecting upon how for eight years he controlled the executive branch of the most powerful nation on earth, executed its federal laws, and acted as commander in chief of its 1.4 million active-duty troops. "President."

"Man, oh, man," Bush added. "Ha!"

According to neighborhood sources, Bush then clapped his hands together lightly and shook his head in apparent disbelief.

Bush, who served as president of the United States from 2001 to 2009, had reportedly been on the verge of nodding off during Monday afternoon's porch-sitting, and appeared pleasantly taken aback by the unexpected remembrance of his years in the White House.

"I was president," murmured Bush, his mind returning again and again to the thought of "eight years" as he emitted a series of short, guttural laughs that reportedly grew in volume the longer he lingered on his time in office. "That was what I did for a living. Me. George W. Bush. For almost a decade."

"I did that," Bush added. "As my job."

Continued Bush, "I'll be damned if I wasn't the president of the United States of America."

Witnesses said the former president's chuckling grew even stronger as it dawned on him that, for eight straight years beginning in January 2001, he had the power to nominate executive and judicial officers to the federal government, as well as grant unlimited presidential pardons and reprieves if he so desired.

Bush was then reportedly further tickled by the thought that he once had the authority to issue a televised address to the entire nation on a whim, gain an audience with any foreign leader he pleased, and launch all of the country's 2,700 active nuclear warheads at once, as these are all privileges reserved for the president of the United States, which is what George W. Bush was for two consecutive four-year terms.

"Whew! That's a hell of a thing," said Bush, his eyes filling with deep reservoirs of tears as his chuckles turned to outright guffaws. "That is just…Wow."

As the sun began to set over his private residence in the Preston Hollow neighborhood of Dallas, Bush wiped the tears from his eyes and headed back inside for dinner.

"Hoo, boy," said the 43rd president of the United States of America, George W. Bush, who was elected to the office on two separate occasions and served in the White House for the 225th through 232nd years of this country's history. "I can't believe it."

Added Bush, "I just can't believe it."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close