George W. Bush Having Trouble Finding Decent Cocaine Since Leaving White House

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Vol 49 Issue 22

Lifeguard Hoping To Make Up For Last Summer

The U.S. Disc Jockey General urges Americans to get the Led out, a BuzzFeed writer resigns in disgrace after plagarizing '10 Llamas Who Wish They Were Models,' and the new and improved Google maps lets users launch missiles at any location on the globe.
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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George W. Bush Having Trouble Finding Decent Cocaine Since Leaving White House

CRAWFORD, TX—Citing his dramatically reduced level of influence and his separation from old acquaintances in Washington, former president George W. Bush complained Monday that he has had trouble finding decent cocaine since leaving office in 2009. “I had some real good hookups in D.C., but the shit down here is just terrible,” Bush said from his ranch in Crawford, TX, noting that while he could previously count on the White House kitchen staff or top aides for the good stuff, he now has to drive half an hour to Waco and waste his money on “junk cut with Benzo.” “I just don’t get as high, you know? Sucks, because I could really use some good coke right now. It’s commencement season, and God knows how many speeches I’m gonna have to get through.” Bush added that while he’s disappointed with the powder in Texas, he has to admit the whiskey and pot are “fantastic.”

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