adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
End Of Section
  • More News

George Zimmerman Not Going To Let One Bad Experience Deter Him From Neighborhood Watch Responsibilities

SANFORD, FL—Out of jail after posting a $1 million bond, George Zimmerman told reporters Monday he remained firmly committed to community safety and had no intention of letting a single unpleasant episode prevent him from fulfilling his regular neighborhood watch duties. "Just because I had one little setback doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to forget my pledge to keep the Retreat at Twin Lakes safe and crime-free," said Zimmerman, adding that his arrest on charges of murdering 17-year-old Trayvon Martin was just a "single crummy day," and he was eager to get back to patrolling his gated subdivision of townhouses for suspicious activity. "So I had a bad experience and it spooked me. So what? I’ve got to dust myself off and try again. After all, they need me out there." At press time, Zimmerman reported that being back behind the wheel of his SUV and quietly scanning his darkened neighborhood streets again "feels good. Feels right."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close