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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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George Zimmerman’s Attorney Opens Second Day Of Trial With Trayvon Martin Impression

SANFORD, FL—As the trial of former neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman entered its second day this morning, defense attorney Don West reportedly opened his team’s remarks with an extended comic impression of Trayvon Martin, the deceased teen whom his client is accused of murdering in a fatal shooting altercation last year. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’d like you to imagine for a moment that it’s a dark night in Sanford, and my client sees an imposing stranger in an oversized hooded sweatshirt coming towards him—it might go a little something like this,” West said before turning his back to the jury, pulling on a hoodie, grabbing a bag of Skittles and spinning back around to face the court. “Yo, my name’s Trayvon, and I’m here to say/Suckers mess with me, I will make them pay.” West reportedly concluded his impression with a nearly 10-minute-long freestyle rap, which sources said received no visible reaction from the jury.

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