Gerald Green Incorporates Christopher Marlowe's 'Doctor Faustus' Into Slam Dunk

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Gerald Green Incorporates Christopher Marlowe's 'Doctor Faustus' Into Slam Dunk

HOUSTON—While competing in the Sprite Slam Dunk Contest Saturday, contestant Gerald Green reportedly incorporated characters, dialogue, and set design from 16th-century English playwright Christopher Marlowe’s The Tragical History of the Life and Death of Doctor Faustus into his elaborately choreographed dunk routine. “Lo, Mephistophilis, for love of thee/Faustus hath cut his arm, and with his proper blood/Assures his soul to be great Lucifer’s/ Chief lord and regent of perpetual night!” proclaimed the spotlighted and costumed Indiana Pacers small forward before catching a full-court lob from the demon Mephisto—played by devilishly attired teammate Lance Stephenson—and driving to the hole. “View here this blood that trickles from mine arm/ And let it be propitious for my wish.” Upon completing the 10-minute-long scene in which the Elizabethan drama’s titular character exchanges his soul for Satan’s corrupt bounty, Green dribbled between his legs, scrawled his name in Lucifer’s black book, and launched toward the hoop from the free-throw line, whereupon the basketball clanged off the rim, forcing the 2007 dunk contest winner and his fellow castmates to return to half court and start the intricate routine from the beginning.

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