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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Gerald Green Incorporates Christopher Marlowe's 'Doctor Faustus' Into Slam Dunk

HOUSTON—While competing in the Sprite Slam Dunk Contest Saturday, contestant Gerald Green reportedly incorporated characters, dialogue, and set design from 16th-century English playwright Christopher Marlowe’s The Tragical History of the Life and Death of Doctor Faustus into his elaborately choreographed dunk routine. “Lo, Mephistophilis, for love of thee/Faustus hath cut his arm, and with his proper blood/Assures his soul to be great Lucifer’s/ Chief lord and regent of perpetual night!” proclaimed the spotlighted and costumed Indiana Pacers small forward before catching a full-court lob from the demon Mephisto—played by devilishly attired teammate Lance Stephenson—and driving to the hole. “View here this blood that trickles from mine arm/ And let it be propitious for my wish.” Upon completing the 10-minute-long scene in which the Elizabethan drama’s titular character exchanges his soul for Satan’s corrupt bounty, Green dribbled between his legs, scrawled his name in Lucifer’s black book, and launched toward the hoop from the free-throw line, whereupon the basketball clanged off the rim, forcing the 2007 dunk contest winner and his fellow castmates to return to half court and start the intricate routine from the beginning.

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