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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Gerald Green Incorporates Christopher Marlowe's 'Doctor Faustus' Into Slam Dunk

HOUSTON—While competing in the Sprite Slam Dunk Contest Saturday, contestant Gerald Green reportedly incorporated characters, dialogue, and set design from 16th-century English playwright Christopher Marlowe’s The Tragical History of the Life and Death of Doctor Faustus into his elaborately choreographed dunk routine. “Lo, Mephistophilis, for love of thee/Faustus hath cut his arm, and with his proper blood/Assures his soul to be great Lucifer’s/ Chief lord and regent of perpetual night!” proclaimed the spotlighted and costumed Indiana Pacers small forward before catching a full-court lob from the demon Mephisto—played by devilishly attired teammate Lance Stephenson—and driving to the hole. “View here this blood that trickles from mine arm/ And let it be propitious for my wish.” Upon completing the 10-minute-long scene in which the Elizabethan drama’s titular character exchanges his soul for Satan’s corrupt bounty, Green dribbled between his legs, scrawled his name in Lucifer’s black book, and launched toward the hoop from the free-throw line, whereupon the basketball clanged off the rim, forcing the 2007 dunk contest winner and his fellow castmates to return to half court and start the intricate routine from the beginning.

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